Gratefulness. if you seek, you will find.

Certain events that are out of our control bring people together. 
And I for one am grateful for certain people.

While I was writing this post  I received the most amazing wonderful message from
Someone I have never met in person, who i speak with often, who I've known for only 2 months,
 but feel like I've known them all my life. The happiness from their news has prompted the
 redirection this post.

Being grateful is hard when you have had so many negatives keep reoccurring. My analogy for the IVF & surrogacy free people is....
 Imagine yourself  in a relationship and your partner cheats on you. (only using "cheats," cause its a really shitty thing to do) You choose to end it. Your devastated. You somehow find the strength & courage to move on. Then you find someone else and start another relationship, and then they cheat on you, so you end the relationship. And all those feeling come rushing back. Then you get a chance to be in another relationship and they to cheat. And again you go in and out of these relationships but with each time you do, you do so with caution, and slowly you build a wall, and slowly you get defencive and slowly you become negative.
This is the same as going through any type of fertility treatment the more time you get that email that reads" I'm sorry your pregnancy test is a negative" you actually become more and more negative.
What you need to realise is that the negativity that someone is so radiantly beaming is unfortunately what they are going through. Not who they are. It just takes over their being for a while. Until one day their strength turns into Gratitude and Gratefulness, because someone may have said the magic word.

You see i have some amazing people in my life, I have a husband who will try to protect me from every painful experience and some friends & some family who have been there for me. who love me and have listened to all my crappiness on this rocky road....... and  Who i love dearly, and will do anything for. But just to add to this list of amazing people,  recently i have been part of a Surrogacy group. These are complete strangers that all share one thing in common. A dream of becoming parents.
In my life i have never met a selfless group of people. Each and everyone of them has a story that will bring you to tears, And each and everyone of them will go to the end of the earth to support you and find an answer to any question you have.

My Gratitude today come from these people. Especially to a certain person who made my heart dance
with the news they shared with me. It's the first time I've truly felt happiness in the last few weeks. And would you believe they still managed to fit in a whole lot of information i had been waiting for.

Just to add a little Surrogacy Gratitude to this blog...It seems Indian Government have found their heart and are allowing visas to "singles" male or female for surrogacy...

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/govt-set-to-allow-visas-to-singles-too-for-surrogacy/1121434

You see, their is always something to be grateful for, sometimes you just have to look a little harder.

Boxing gloves are still on!

It seems that I'm in the boxing ring with the an energy stronger than i am......
My pregnancy test with both surrogate was a negative.
Feel like ive  been punched in the guts. Hard.And... I'm down..... But, not out for the count....

I'm writing this a few days after I've found out the results...as I needed to speak with Dr
As to WHAT THE F%#K is going on.
I'm Angry, I'm Pissed, I'm exhausted and most of all I'm devastated.

I ask you this. How many times can you get punched in the head and gut before you throw in the towel.... I'm up to 14 times.... Can help but think its time to throwing the towel.
I want the pain to stop. But I want a baby too.. Decided to give in to alcohol at the moment. Champagne is in the fridge for great news, so we'll leave that. An amazing  bottle of wine is stored away for special occasion, clearly nothing special here..... so I'm at the moment downing a bottle of scotch. its gross but its doing the job.....Head is light and teeth and face numb, so punch on cause I fell nothing at the moment!

So...Let's look at the stats... This is just based on treatment at SCI. From October we've used 19 embryos and 5 surrogate women, 2 of whom were proven surrogates..and 4 of the embryos were frozen. 
An average fertility clinc here in Australia will tell you to give it 3 chances for them to get a result.
And that using only one embryo per transfer, and if you insist, maybe 2 embryos.
We have used 19 embryos & 5 surrogates, who are meant to be exactly at their prime form for a embryo transfer and healthy.

It's a hard fact to amid that your body is failing what you want to achieve.im asking all sorts of questions now.....again! It seems that i need to start to eliminate the possibility that i produce defected egg. soooooooooooo a PGD is suggested, this looks at specific genetics, BUT.....ive found something better and spoken to people who have done this. its called 24 sure. it checks all the chromosomes  of an embryo which should make up a total of 46 chromosomes, which then means your only left with a healthy embryo. if your left with any. but....still not given 100% success..
OH...and guess what.....you need embryos to do that. What that means....more shitty drugs to be pumped into me.
As you can see im now a doctor, a nurse, a scientist and a lawyer. but without any paperwork. and ive put in more years than these profession actually require...lol

So back up plan is donor egg..... Not sure how to start to get my head around this.... Clearly the word hasn't come to an end, but it took me a very long time to finally except that i will not carry my baby..... now i may have to except that biologically the child i will have may also not be mine... i think im ok with that.
BUT. im not there yet.. just a back up plan.
Cause im Queen of back up plans!

So where im at now is working on how?where to do these test...but its late and im brain dead, probably from alcohol. ;)

 I should say that I'm writing This after a few drinks of crappy scotch . And I'm about to press publish... Hope when I read this tomorrow I don't die all over again. And that auto word correct has kicked in.

Contact with the Media.

I've been back in the land of Oz for a few days. In all honesty, in the last 10 months I've traveled internationally 4 times, and I must say I do really well with jet lag, however this time I've struggled , not only with jet lag, but I'm totally exhausted, physically, and mentally.
When I arrived home on Thursday morning I was in and out of sleep all day, slept 12 hours that night, and Friday slept 14 hours.... My head feels like its going to explode. And then Saturday night it hit me......I'm just going through the motions, I'm running on empty, I have no expectations for this cycle. I have no idea how to handle a negative result, and I have no idea how to be fun anymore.
I used to be funny, but my life the last years have just been a fight!
There's an image I have of me in a boxing ring, taking a beating, the ref tries to count to 10, but I'm up before the count... And i just keep on punching, even though I'm getting no where.

While speaking with Dr Shivani, one day we got into the topic about the Negativity that the media portray
in regard to O/S surrogacy, i told her that i don't think that the Journalist know enough about it, and they continue to follow and replica whatever has already been published. We spoke for a while and she was trying to give me the courage to "come out" and speak openly about my surrogacy journey. That's a big step for me, i don't seek attention, I'm not that type.
The following day on the Surrogacy Australian FB page someone posted that a Journalist is seeking to do a documentary on surrogacy if anyone is interested to contact her. Just in case i didn't hear it before, the universe was screaming it out now.
 
I spoke with the journalist yesterday, she asked me if l'd like to go on camera and tell my story, about Overseas Surrogacy, and the changes that have occurred over the last few months both in India and Australia. I've been in 2 minds about this all day. Firstly i'd like to say, as I'm sure i have said so in a past blog. I'm not embarrassed about this path. However i do remind myself that i will be putting myself  "out there"....... but,  The decision  i need to make is based purely on the direction the documentary will take.
I made it very clear that i will not take part in anything that remotely portrays anything negative toward O/S surrogacy.
It sickens me when i read Articles saying "take away babies" and "rich westerners paying poor Indian women to have their baby".
Everyone i have met who is on this journey have either saved for years, or  have sold assets, or have taken leave from work without pay, just to have a chance to make their dream of a family come true.
So what gives ANYONE the right to "cheapen" the dream family that i and so many others desire.

It's comments like these that make my blood boil, and the main reason as to why i have agreed to speak with her. People don't know, and don't realise what emotion, what strength, what leaps and jumps Intended Parents have to make. My hope is that this documentary is one step in the direction of educating people like that from a IP's perspective and re educating those who may have taken the gift of having children for granted. And just walking them through the life of someone who will walk to another world to have a family.

She assured me, and in writing that "our intentions are to create a thoughtful, sensitive, thoroughly researched program, we have no intention or motivation to create another sensationalist report on this subject."
We spoke for over an hour gave her a run down as to what is involved.....she was astonished to hear the complexity behind a surrogacy journey.......and i only gave her the highlights!

She also mentioned that they have not yet decided as to which direction to take for this documentary as there are 2 choices. The Overseas surrogacy path or the Altristic path. They will do their research, keep in contact with me and submit to their producers who will make the final decision.
No matter which path they choose, its still a journey of surrogacy, and every IP wants the same result in the end. A Baby. Baaaaby!

Waiting....tick tock!

We have reached our last days here in India. I must say it been different being here with my mum.
She has been a great support. Even though we wanted to kill each other a lot of the time.
 Like some of the Greek mothers I know, words get invented or random words get used when they don't remember the correct name for things.
 For example... The man who wears a Turban she calls it a Turbo. When I asked her numerous times to please try and remember its called a Turban, she changed it. And started calling it a Burban!
Also when talking to our driver she asked him what religion they were, by asking if they believed in the elephant..... LOL!!
Let's just say, I have been provided with some strange entertainment on this trip. Bless her and I am
Forever grateful for her.

Even though my mum being a woman went through all the PMS stuff, this was the first time she experienced in full effect what is involved in a IVF treatment.
For those husbands, sisters, friends, mothers, brothers and fathers who try very hard to support the person going through an IVF cycle, I just want to take a little time to explain what this person is going through.
Women will normally produce one egg each month, this one egg is what send progesterone levels
High and what Is believed to be partly responsible for symptoms of PMS, sore breast, mood swings and so on..... All this as women we experience each month from one little God given egg.
Now when on IVF, your are given a series of injections that will stimulate your ovaries to produce more than one egg. The idea is to produce a lot of eggs. Some women may produces 9 - 16 plus eggs. That kind of gets a little painful, like carrying a bowling around in your lower regin. And your bloated and feel fat and crap....
So if one little God given egg turns a women a little crazy during her menstrual cycle then 9 eggs is going to turn her into a crazy hormonal psycho on crack with an Aka machine gun!
Then the coming off the drugs is a whirlpool of fun. Not. The added fear of "will this work" and not to mention the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming.
So be Patient, it won't last forever.

My egg collection went as well as it could! Dr Shivani collected 9 eggs, and 7 fertilised.
We went for a day 4 transfer and laser hatching was used, although embryologist didn't see a real need for it, I still requested it be done. It has no negative affect to the embryo. And in all honesty
I just wanted to feel like I've tried something different, before we make new decisions  as to what our next steps would be if this is also a failed surrogacy cycle.
I've learned  over the many years of this journey - hope for the best. Plan for the worst.
For me, my survival 101

The days that followed were not fun...the effects of slight hyper stimulation together with Indian belly
Meant that the bathroom and I were seeing each other a lot more than I would have liked...
Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor who hit me up with what was desperately  needed.

The heat has prevented us from doing the out door "tourist" stuff. When I mentioned this to doctor Shivani she, thankfully suggested a place called Kingdom Of Dreams! And the Ambiance Mall.
http://kingdomofdreams.in/the-kingdom.html

Seriously AMAZING!!! You can see a show have something to eat or just hangout  in an environment that will have you looking in every direction at the sensational design!

It opens at 1pm... Regardless what is written everywhere. 

We spent Mothers day at the Taj Mahal, again 43 degree heat just burns the hairs on your arms...

Mum loved it, and as I've decided that every trip here to India I will visit an orphanage, this time 

We went to Mother Teresa Missionary....where children have been abandoned and where they also care for mentally disabled. We weren't sure what to take, so we decided on Colouring books, paints, pencils, readers, cricket sets, and soccer balls. 

After speaking with the a beautiful Nun, she advised me that although all gifts are appreciated, they also need things like vitamins, for both young and old and basic needs like nappy and clothes and shoes, however money donations are probably the best. As they buy what they need when they need it, for the 200 souls who live there. With no financial support from the government, this missionary is well kept and very clean. Also if you choose to visit, it's wise to do so before 11.30 am or after 3.30pm.

For those of you who would like to visit the address is - Prem Dan, 2 Ajmer Road, Agra 282001 India.

Food for thought....

New Delhi the second time round Seems to just get easier. Not really. 
The heat is insane, and if your working in customer service then, you really need to wear deodorant! 
I was at Starbucks the other day. And someone came to clear our tables and I almost vomited on
Him. I couldn't get my perfume out fast enough to change the smell, and I sprayed him too.. Lol
Helped me... Not sure if it helped others that worked with him though.

So as you can tell the drugs have kicked in.... I'm moody, emotional, snappy, and panic attacks seem to kick in every night as I lay my head on the pillow.
I feel horrible for snapping at the waiter, for getting my coffee order wrong...twice. I feel horrible for snapping at our driver who came 1/2hr too early and 'tried' to charged me for it. I feel horrible that I snapped at the door guy who insists on looking through our bags every time we walk into the hotel, even if we walked out for 3mins & came back in. And all this was before 11am..
A good friend who has been on this surrogacy journey with me from the beginning, and who is also in the process of her journey of IVF said...
" unless you have a sign on your neck saying i'm a hormonal bitch, beware"  everyone is just going to have to take it!!
I still feel bad, although all these things would still piss me off even when I'm not medicated, my tone would have been softer..

My husband asked me the other day...what Is one word you'd use to describe India. The first word was colorful but there was a second word. Diversity. You could be at the traffic lights sitting in your Standard Toyota air-conditioned car, and there's a car next to you that is about to fall apart and being held together with tape and ropes, and then look ahead and you'll see a BMW  And an Audi and next to them is 50 people on bush bikes and another 50 people on scooters with a family of 4 on it. And let's not forget the street beggars, that knock on everyone's window begging for money... other than the person in the BMW.
But what i saw today was a row of tin sheds, that are made for homes, that seriously if a gust of wind came, would fall to the ground. These homes, about, 30 of them all have satellite dishes and used the electrical wires from the street to hang their clothes.
There's always something in your surrounding that will catch your eye. Every blink of an eye is a story. But most of all every blink of an eye is an education.

I have my egg collection tomorrow morning. So far scan show 11 folics.
I'm defiantly happy with that! Dr Shivani knows that when the time comes the embryologist
Has the Go Ahead to do laser hatching. But that's the embryologists call.
Apparently its only used if the embryo has the hard shell around it. 
Those results I guess we'll find out in the next few days.

It's Orthodox Easter today. No church this week. No lamb on spit. No cracking of red eggs.
Just my mum reading from her prayer book. Lamb chops at the LaLit hotel. And scrabbled eggs this morning. Still trying to keep with tradition. Lol
I do love Easter. Not for chocolate eggs...but for all our traditions. Our homes that smell of fresh baked sweet breads and beautiful biscuits. And the beautiful chants sung in our  beautifully decorated churches that give me goose bumps. But mainly I love what Easter means to me.
That one persons sacrifice can change the world. And miracles are present every day.

Venting/Rant/Whinge

I've changed the title to this post 3 times.... It is what it is.

Today i thought id write about my views on how I see Delhi, the second time around....but something else caught my eye.

An article posted in a surrogacy group, by one of our members.
Now I should add that I'm hopeless with technology and I still haven worked out how to add a photo to this blog page of mine...( shaking head in disappointment ) lol
So I will write what was written in the article posted in the Victorian Herald Sun.
"So Medicaire pays rebates for gender-based abortions but won't pay IVF rebates for couples
Who have no choice but to use a surrogate to create a much wanted child? Someone's priorities are a little messed up" ~ Tracy, Tatura

When I first read this I couldn't help but feel let down by the Australian Government again.... Now that I read it again I'm totally f%^ken pissed!!

This is the title of an Australian IVF web page - 

IVFAustralia’s sperm donation program helps heterosexual couples, same sex couples and single women successfully conceive their baby.

So the other thing I just can't get my head around is, any woman can go to a fertility clinic, and request a sperm donor. They may go through an IVF cycle to produce folics, ( rebate is given by Medicare ) and once the fertilising is done with the donor sperm and a baby is born, the baby is legally hers. 

All we have done is put Our Own Embryos ( no rebate given) both mine and my husbands in another woman, and when she gives birth she has legal rights to OUR baby.....

 NOW there's something F#%KED up about  that!

Where are the people in government that have a brain, heart, soul! Do they not realise that all the people that have reached the point of surrogacy have tried almost everything else to become a parent. I know me personally I would give anything to have that gift, to carry my own child as I've seen all my beautiful friends and family do, to experience that nine months of bonding with your baby... Yeah I'd give anything for that. Instead, I'm giving everything to just have MY baby.

Finding out my chances of ever carring a baby is less than 10% almost defeated me....in the last year ive overcome health issues from IVF cycles, I've lost my mind, my baby, a dear friend, my father inlaw, the legal rights as a parent to my baby ( when I have them via surrogacy) and the support of the Australian government. 
Well there are certain things in that list I have had to sadly except and let go.
In saying that I'm also so very blessed in many other ways..
However my fight is now only just beginning.

Australian Government, no matter what you throw at us, its just another obstacle. We've been challenged by a lot worse. We will fight and challenge you,  as you have your so called 
"family values" screwed up.... And you have no right to take our legal family rights away from us.!


As for me, i will have my baby with an O/S surrogate, i don't know when, but that's between me and God. 

Welcome to the Hunger Games.... Aka. FRRO!

Well it seem i survived FRRO....now that place I really have no desire to visit again.
What you will need to take with you to survive...

First you need to fill out registration form online. And a computer generated appointment will give you dates to choose from. You need to register within 14 days of arrival.
http://immigrationindia.nic.in/Instr_Online_filing2.htm

You will need -

Photocopy of passport visa page

Photocopy of passport photo page

Photocopy of stamp of arrival page

Certificate/letter from your clinic, Doctor, verifying treatment and dates 

Proof of address from your hotel. This is called a C from. (all hotels register all foreigners to FRRO)

4 copies of your online registration 

4 passport photos glue 3 onto the registration papers & keep one for later.

And a Bottle of water and a protein bar!

This is in Delhi, it may be different elsewhere...

When you arrive at FRRO there is an out door office and a whole lot of people surround  2 table. Don't make the mistake I did and line up... Just somehow push your way through. Oh and don't line up at the Afghan table. Signs are small.

The man will the scribble something on a little bit of paper. This is your "token number". 

You then walk into a a hall way, no matter how many people are there just keep pushing your way through into the small room. This room Is divided into 2 rooms,  where Afghan people have to register in one room and the rest of the world in another.

If at this stage your looking for someone to ask what next.... Good luck!

There is a table where it says enquires, you wait for this man to call your number.....so find a seat and get comfortable as the wait may be up to 3 hours! ( that's how long I waited for)

After the first hour you look for someone who you can pay, just to move the process along. 

Yeah.....sadly. No one.

Then as you have only time to kill you start to pay more attention to the people around you I spent this time watching 2 little boys aged 3 become friends one from Kenya, the other Afghanistan. no verbal sounds only sign language a little grunting but a whole lot of giggles and laughter.

I must say, we all as a human race should start to thing like children. No complications on religion or politics, just 2 souls wanting to make the most of their day regardless of the coulor of their skin. And working out their differences with no talking.

Finally at some point your number will be called, you head to the counter.... Now once they look at your visa they will send you away with another number and  to another counter. 

However my visa states that I only need register after 180 days of consecutive stay.

They look at me and laughed... They said I can leave, no need to be here. I said..trust me. I don't want to be here either, but  If you can assure me I won't have any problem at the airport when I leave.. Then I pointed to a big sign on the wall.

This sign writes all the requirement needed for all applicants.

Number 2 is for Medical Visa and it reads...." Foreigners entering on a medical visa are required to get themselves registered within 14 days of arrival, IRRESPECTIVE of the duration of visa" 

They both had no comment and gave me another number. So I guess Im still waiting. Again. 

It's now 1.30pm and everyone stops for lunch till 2. More waiting. I'm grateful for the little boys that each displayed some fun entertainment in a room full of the world and a room of chaos.

2 o'clock hits and I was done waiting. I made my way to the counter handed my papers and no one said boo. ( even though there were 15 numbers still to go before mine)

They type something in the computer & then your sent you to another counter, where they will stamp your papers, then your sent to get your visa from the photocopier, this is where you glue your 4th photo. Your then sent to another counter where more stamps are placed and then....... Your officially registered and free to go!

Now run, and leave!! Lol

The good thing about this room where all the world is gathered is it's well air conditioned!! 

Note... If you have a small child with you and they are unsettled, then don't settle them as you will jump the line for sure! And they have a thing about people that have a cold, you too will be passed through.