Changing directions.

There are certain events, that you will remember the exact moment that something happened and brought you to a halt, and in that exact moment you can suddenly find yourself changing directions.

You see for the last few weeks I've not posted anything not for the lack of words....but for the lack of information.
Ive been waiting for the test results of the CGH to come back, and in that time I've been researching other clinics and Doctors.

We have now decided that we will no longer be a patient of SCI. Dr shivani has been great but V and i decided that we need to move on. I made a mistake of staying with one, and only one IVF clinic here, i can not make that same mistake again.
 
Just to re-cap, during my last IVF cycle here in Oz I had my embryos frozen. After a whole lot of research i decided to have both embryos CGH tested. This where they take the embryo and mind you they will only take an A grade embryo thaw & biopsy it. When the embryologist explained the procedure i firstly was amazed that i understood. And secondly how a little embryo undergoes all that probing and survives is also amazing, as the technique is quite invasive.
What this test looks for is the 46 genetics that will correctly make a healthy embryo, therefore what they do not discard is meant to be the best of the best....however there are still no guarantees.

Out of the two I had frozen only one survived the thawing. this little embie was a day 5, they biopsied then refroze. And in 10 days I would get an answer. And that day has come, and it was the moment that sent my world into another direction.

I was at my shop when I received the call and after I spoke with the embryologist, I spent the next few hours smiling and taking lunch orders from my customers. Heart in stomach the whole time. I'm sure some customers got things they didn't ask for in their rolls...cause i was there, but not really, as all i heard was the embryologist saying....Your embryo has genetic abnormalities....I'm sorry....blahblahblah...and BANG. in that second there lied the  change in direction.

I went off the radar for a few days, head pounding and mind just didn't know how to stop talking to me. Repeating what were my options now. I must remember that Every cycle is different. Its one of those things nature plays with us...everyone produces some abnormal embies at sometime.  I could do another cycle and produce no good quality embryos..... or i could produce 3-4-6 perfect Embryos. UGH!! more decisions
more research, more..more more...more everything. Still no baby!
 If we produce dud embryos (not eggs and not sperm, genetically together embryos) do we keep going with more injections to produce more embryos, have them tested and look for that "golden egg" and then pray it falls into the 86-95%  success category Or do we drop that idea of  "my biological  child" and look to donor.
I should say that these percentages vary from clinic to clinic & doctor to doctor and age.

For 2-3 days now I've been reading looking at stats and wondering how I got here. I'm grateful for the options I have and I thank God every day for the strength I have, cause there are always obstacles but I always find the tools to tackle them.
As a side note - damn its good not being on any medication. Being hit with bad news is hard but i so notice a difference dealing with these obstacles as ME!

V and i spoke intensely over the next few days. We always knew donor was an option and it always sat in the back of my mind. It now seems its made its way front and centre. V wants me to make the ultimate decision as what we are proposing is a donor egg. Reality is, his biological child not mine. Am i ok with that?

When i visited the orphanages in India i saw so many children and all i could think of is i wish i could take you home with me. One look into their eyes and i was in love.
So why am i having a hard time getting passed this. I know I'll love the baby, no doubt! i know i'll have no issue with what people will think. no doubt! so whats the problem?.
Letting go. These two words have been haunting me Forever!!! from the beginning of this journey....and in my out of 'surrogacy world' this is my lesson. LET GO!.

Let go of how it should be.
Let go of who said what.
Let go of promises.
Let go of people.
Let go of control.
Let go of not carrying my baby
Let go of clinics and Doctors
Just bloody Let go.!

So i did.

A beautiful angel who i am pleased to call my friend said something to me the other day. "you'll know when you have to make that leap of faith"

My head tells me, i have strength to do more cycles, my heart tells me its hurting, my body is telling me no more.

So i jumped...... and what made this leap somewhat easier, was my hubby hold my hand all the way.



NOTE ~ CGH TESTING

DOWNSIDE ~ Unfortunately there is still no 100% success.
Cost involved. it depends where you go. A my clinic in Oz it's $500 per embryos in India it's grouped into 4 and is appox $4000ish
Your forehead has a stamp of ATM. $$$ cause no matter what if you don't fall pregnant with the batch you've just tested there is a very high chance you will do this test again $$$$$ kaching$$$$!
UPSIDE ~You are now adding to your degree in everything fertility. ;)
You now know of another "what if" and no matter what the percentages given...they are still high, and bloody good.

I'm going to add this link even though its dated 2011, it still give a good indication of Age v's CGH http://reprogenetics.com/array-cgh-testing-and-embryo-prognosis/

Doing any type of research is painful and researching clinics is just a nightmare. You'll find websites that look amazing with so much information, but as you read you realise there's really no information at all.
This link is brilliant it suggests some clinics and its broken down all the important stuff you'll need to get your feet moving in the right direction.

http://indiasurrogacy.forumotion.net/login?redirect=%2Fu1

This Can Happen To Any Of Us.

This post is simply cut and pasted directly to my page, as there are no other correct words to
write this.

Thank you Saskia, (from little things, big things grow)

Please help a member of our Surrogacy Family!!

Hello All Surrogacy Friends!
Here's another friend that needs our help at this time! - please follow the link and help a friend in need.

A beautiful Mum & little miracle girl that needs your help!

Her name is Kylie (Mother) and it has always been her dream to have children of her own but was left unable to bear children after uterine cancer 13 years ago.

Yet this story can still yet have a happy ending. Eight months ago Kylie and her then fiancé turned to surrogacy, through a well-known surrogacy clinic in India, as a way of fulfilling my dream. That dream has now almost come true, except for one last hurdle, with which we need your help!

On 10^th May 2013 Kylie’s surrogate mother gave birth to TWIN Girls! Yet Namaeya and Hati, were eight weeks premature and have since spent their lives in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) of the Delhi Newborn Centre. 

Though their birth weights were only 2.2 and 1.6 pounds respectively, both have proven to be fighters and the worst is now over for Namaeya. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Hati. After a month of hard struggle Hati has once again been registered as critical and will have to remain in the NICU.

Kylie’s current NICU costs AUD$9,300 for every 14 days that Hati & Namaeya spend in the NICU. The funds Kylie had set aside for this contingency are already running thin, with her surrogate in and out of hospital for the last 4 months of gestation.

Kylie is now a single mum that is a self-employed mortgage broker and even once Hati begins to pick up it is estimated that it will be 3 to 4 months before Kylie and her beautiful girls can return home to Australia. The time away from her business will potentially be crippling, as Kylie has no other financial support.

Your generosity will not only assist Kylie in maintaining the highest level of care for Hati and Namaeya it will allow Kylie to give them the life that they deserve upon returning safely home.

Namaeya and Hati are the culmination of years of heartache, disappointment, determination and finally, hope. Your generous assistance can help this dream really come true.

Just as Hati has not refused to give up on life, we will not give up; your donation will make the world of difference in giving them the best chance of a wonderful future returning home with a wonderful mum.

Kylie’s Passion, Love, Strength & Determination is now not enough that’s why we need your help.

Heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude for your generosity, from Hati, Namaeya and Kylie’s nearest & dearest Kirsty, Maddy & Russell, Rosslyn & Rus,

To read more on Kylie’s personal story and Namaeya and Hati’s fight for life, go to 
http://namaeyahati.blogspot.com.au/or https://www.facebook.com/2ndchancemortgages

Any proceeds remaining on return to Australia will be donated to the Miracle Babies Foundation & SCI Healthcare 


http://www.gofundme.com/namaeyaandhati

Gratefulness. if you seek, you will find.

Certain events that are out of our control bring people together. 
And I for one am grateful for certain people.

While I was writing this post  I received the most amazing wonderful message from
Someone I have never met in person, who i speak with often, who I've known for only 2 months,
 but feel like I've known them all my life. The happiness from their news has prompted the
 redirection this post.

Being grateful is hard when you have had so many negatives keep reoccurring. My analogy for the IVF & surrogacy free people is....
 Imagine yourself  in a relationship and your partner cheats on you. (only using "cheats," cause its a really shitty thing to do) You choose to end it. Your devastated. You somehow find the strength & courage to move on. Then you find someone else and start another relationship, and then they cheat on you, so you end the relationship. And all those feeling come rushing back. Then you get a chance to be in another relationship and they to cheat. And again you go in and out of these relationships but with each time you do, you do so with caution, and slowly you build a wall, and slowly you get defencive and slowly you become negative.
This is the same as going through any type of fertility treatment the more time you get that email that reads" I'm sorry your pregnancy test is a negative" you actually become more and more negative.
What you need to realise is that the negativity that someone is so radiantly beaming is unfortunately what they are going through. Not who they are. It just takes over their being for a while. Until one day their strength turns into Gratitude and Gratefulness, because someone may have said the magic word.

You see i have some amazing people in my life, I have a husband who will try to protect me from every painful experience and some friends & some family who have been there for me. who love me and have listened to all my crappiness on this rocky road....... and  Who i love dearly, and will do anything for. But just to add to this list of amazing people,  recently i have been part of a Surrogacy group. These are complete strangers that all share one thing in common. A dream of becoming parents.
In my life i have never met a selfless group of people. Each and everyone of them has a story that will bring you to tears, And each and everyone of them will go to the end of the earth to support you and find an answer to any question you have.

My Gratitude today come from these people. Especially to a certain person who made my heart dance
with the news they shared with me. It's the first time I've truly felt happiness in the last few weeks. And would you believe they still managed to fit in a whole lot of information i had been waiting for.

Just to add a little Surrogacy Gratitude to this blog...It seems Indian Government have found their heart and are allowing visas to "singles" male or female for surrogacy...

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/govt-set-to-allow-visas-to-singles-too-for-surrogacy/1121434

You see, their is always something to be grateful for, sometimes you just have to look a little harder.