M.I.A

i know i have been MIA, there's a very good reason. Apart from redesingning our shop and adding a new line and working 70hr weeks, ive been researching lots, which i will write about bit by bit in the weeks to come.
I've also been active on our "baby making end" this ride is the Mother Fu#%er of all rollercoaster. as once again we were left crashed,depleted,and devistated, but this time we had a twist added to our rollercoaster ride. as it seems that the Universe/God would like us to experiance Every aspect of this joureny.
Am i ok with that. Well......i have to be. But once again, i hope my foot steps, will help others.
in saying that to those who have emailed me privetly, i havent forgotten you, just taking me some time to gather the info.
but always remember, to those just starting. To Fly, you must first jump.

26-11-13

10 days ago we did a eft. With a new surrogate. Not my choice to have a new surrogate. But it happend  and I had to get over it.
We transfer 2 embryos both a day 5 blast one hatching the other a collapsed hatching. I've done extensive reading on embryo growth. Let me tell you, minuets even seconds make a difference in their development. Dr Pisit chose 2 beautiful embryos, our surrogates uteral lining is perfect. This is all and everything that you can ask for at this stage.  And......
Today we found out  we are pregnant. We finally got our BFP and I can't share it with anyone.
Actually not that I can't. But we decided 10days ago we wouldn't tell anyone that we were trying again. As I said in one of my last posts. It's become  a broken record and I hate hearing myself saying over and over again "negataive"
So we decide that cause no trip this time was needed so lies needed to be told we would just keep this to ourselves. And that's exactly what we did, no parents, brother, sisters, friends. No one.
And we are pregnant.
We still aren't jumping for joy, as our surrogates hcg levels are only 90.82 not as high as high like. But the doctor seem to think all is good and sent her home with her meds and to go back for test as per usual in a week.
If he thought they were low he' ll ask for a test in 3 days.
At this stage all I know is that our surrogate is hungry all the time....
I just can't seem to get excited. I'm so scared that her levels won't increase.
Why couldn't just be high levels, happy surrogate happy IPs and in 9 months
Healthy baby. Is that so hard. Give me a break!
Now in saying all that I'm writing this thinking. You got what you asked for. A positive result. So smile and be happy. And I am. But I can't relax and be excited. I'm holding my breath till the next blood test.
Feels like the stress never leaves you.

1-12-13
It's like this...... We have a positive. A BFP. And I've told no one. Nothing. Nada. I call a friend on Saturday thinking I was gunna tell her. But she didn't answer. Then I saw a friend to and I was going to mention something. But I didn't. And then I realized what I was doing. By not telling them they can't  get excited. Which in turn stops me from allowing my self to be excited. Safe. So not how I envisioned it.  Beta is at 90. Not strong, but anything above 50 is a beautiful positive.
Now we wait a week, Untill our beautiful surrogate has her next bloods.

8-12-13
Telling no one has been hard. I wanted to share it with those who have held my hand throughout this journey but just felt like we needed to to this alone this time.
Keeping busy with work has helped.
Found out a beautiful friend who's journey for a family has been a long hard road is now expecting twins. And boy, let me tell you it's the first time I cried with so much happiness.

Our results came through and wooooohoooo beta is at 2835. Now that's high and we are pregnant. WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!! Our surrogate is feeling hungry ALOT and wants to sleep all day. All good healthy signs.

As for me, I can sleep a little easier tonight.
And in my head I started to work out dates of birth. I never allow myself to think that far ahead. But this time I'm planning at the 8week mark to tell my family on Christmas Day WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

Next stage is the 6 weeks. Where Dr looks for sac, maybe a little flicker of a heart beat. But that is more at the 7-8 week mark.

15-12-13
That feeling of looking at your watch every 5mins but it feels like hours have past.
Wellllllll.... That! Keeping busy during the day is easy. But come 6pm and no email no phone call, I stressed. And in my gut I knew something wasn't right.
V kept checking in with me. But hours had past and still nothing.
I kept clam, and started putting a new plan of action into place. Working on back up plans has become my second nature.
As it turns out. Gut feeling was right.
Our beautiful surrogates Hcg levels had dropped to 150.
This pregnancy will not continue.
Anger,sadness,feeling like we've been cursed, energy levels on empty, how can this be. But more importantly WHY!?!

16-12-13
Emailed Dr Pisit. In short he also was surprised.
V and I spoke extensively as to how I felt. Honestly this lack of control is a Bitch!
I can't change the past, but I have learnt a lot of lessons both in my surrogacy journey and my personal life.
I asked Dr Pisit directly to continue ASAP with a surrogate from his clinic.
I need to be involved in this as much as I can. Letting go and allowing others just doesn't work for me. However in saying that I'm am forever Greatful to Meg and her assistance.
But I need this to feel right for me, and these are my next steps in my path to my baby.

My opinion ~ India V's Thailand

Exactly what the title says. This is purely my experiance and MY OPINION  based on what I've experienced.

I'm one of the few [of course I am :) ] in a position as an IP where I have experienced the surrogacy journey in both countries. 
Again no need for anyone to get all huffed about what I'm going to write. Each and every IP will experiance something different, however I'm sure that some IPs would share some similarities in each country.
I'm from Australia so this is what was need for me.
What you need to get started.
Once you've chosen you Doctor and clinc.

INDIA
Medical visa which requires  paperwork to be sent to VFS
- must have one IP of Australian citizen
- must be married for 2yrs
- provide marriage certificate
- must be a heterosexual couple
- choose your clinc I went directly to the clinics. No agent. [ but lucky Meg was working at the clinic       I choose ]
- have your "tests"  sent to clinics.
- fresh transfer is the only way to have your biological child, as no shipment of frozen embryos are allowed anymore.
- choose a time frame that suits you and clinic for ET
 - surrogate profiles are sent out. You can pick a surrogate or you can leave it up to doctor to choose.
- Surrogacy visa are required  paperwork application to VFS- provide a Statutory declaration stating you and your husband/wife will
   Lawfully and legally provide for your child born through surrogacy. This must be signed by a JP
- A signed contract of your surrogacy contract. [ original, but a copy my be acceptable. ]
- photocopies of passport.
- $240.00 Aust Dollars for  Surrogacy visas
- once you have visa check if it's valid for 3 months or 12. VFS have been inconsistent in this.
- Fill out FRRO forms and have lots of passport photos for these forms. [ only done once your are in india ]

There are a lot of inconsistencies here too.You can refer to a past blog i wrote "Welcome to the Hunger Games, AKA FRRO

Fresh cycle, Doctor monitoring drugs, and scans. Wonderful. Much better than here in Australia.
  The updates of how your surrogate is medically including scans leading up to ET, are none. You have the choice of wether you meet your surrogate. But you can't meet your Donor.
Egg collection, doctor will come and speak with you and tell you how many were collected and will give you a date for ET. Recovery thankfully is not rushed Dr will advise day 3 or day 5. I've spoken with 2 Doctors in India both say a day 3 transfer is best.

THAILAND. [ donor path ]

- Must have one IP of Australian citizen
- choose your clinic
-  choose whether you go directly through the clinic or use an agent.
   [ I've used Megan Sainsbury ]
- If you have frozen embryos then choose a shipping company.
- Choosing a surrogate  depends on if you go through an agent or clinic. But a surrogate is chosen for  You. 
  Their prep and medical state is determined by the doctor.
- choose your donor [ Caucasian or Thai ]
- dates of cycle are sent
- book your tickets and accommodation.

Going through the process in both countries was very different, Again different clinics may do things differently.

We used a donor, so i don't know what the bed side manner of the doctor was like, but he later came out and spoke with us to tell us how many eggs were collected. And he believes in a day 5 transfer. ( as do i)
If your using a donor, you have a choice to meet with her if you like.
The updates of surrogate are wonderful, ultrasound scans are emailed with a scan of the uteral lining explaining  thickness in detail. Every scan is emailed to you. Now the best part is images of your embryos are sent to you.
It's important to feel this connection we'll to me anyway. Nice to feel like your part of the process somehow.

In India when your baby is born your names as biological parents are on the Birth Certificate. 
This is a big drawing card for India and is what won us over in the beginning. But honestly, now for me, it's simply a piece of paper that sits in a filing cabinet.
In India At this stage applying for exit visa and waiting time is appox 14 to 20 days. Before you can leave.
In Thailand the name of the surrogate mother is on the birth certificate, [which is also the protocol for surrogacy in Australia ]
What this means is that once you apply for your baby's exit visa waiting time is approximately 4 weeks to return to Australia  soon after You can apply for a Parental Order.
For those who don't know, this is a court order that transfers parentage from the surrogate  to the intended parent/s. This means the intended parents become the legal parents.

Based on my experiences, India, was a pleasant surprise. Doctors, nurses were great. Hospital and clinics were wonderful. However for me Thailand wins.  For me is a better place nice environment ( especially since you need to be away for anywhere up to   2, 3, 5 weeks when you have baby pick up. The hospital is gorgeous. The clinic is like being in a friends living room. The doctors and nursing staff have a wonderful energy about them.
There's more to do in Thailand. It's  super clean,  modern, the people have a beautiful peace and respect about them and it's cheaper in terms of accommodation, food, and shopping. 

I'm ending this by reminding you this is my option. I have no doubt that others who have been to both countries for the exact same reasons I have, have experienced something different.
And I'm not saying that I did not have a good experience in India ( regardless of my negative results) I'm simply saying I preferred my experience in Thailand more.

Fact is you want a baby. You will go to the end of the earth to have that. Where that point on the earth is, is your choice. 

deep breaths.

Hope.
Wikipedia's definition ~
'Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen".Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation";

I almost lost it. Hope that is. I almost lost it. I found myself saying for the first time I'm tired of this emotional pain. Im embarrassed and exhausted  of failing so often. I'm drained mentally. I miss having a life, and I miss shopping. Afters days of being in a daze from our negative result. I realised that I'm still breathing, I'm functioning around people, I'm able to go to work. I'm able to be around certain people  and pull off a very convincing act that I'm ok. I'm breathing. It's long deep breaths. But I'm breathing. What dose that tell me. That I'm bloody strong. 
I know I'm not the most positive or hopeful person at the moment. And I'm choosing the people I surround myself with very carefully. It's not because friends don't care. But, it's because I'm over it. I'm Sick of herding the same crap coming out of my mouth and sick of hearing the same response from people. 'Have hope', 'Don't give up'. By all means I love every single one of these people who have said that to me. But I'm just numb. And their words are just not having the same affect as they use to.

After weeks off just keeping to myself and staying off and away from anything baby and surrogacy and only completely focusing on my business( which I have mentally neglected for well over a year). After finding out our sixth attempt had failed 4 weeks ago, I wanted to just switch off and distance myself from everything. No baby news, no emails, no questions, no answers, positives or negatives. However, As it just happens (thanks universe) in the last 3 weeks 4 of my friends have announced they are pregnant, and a family member just had a baby too. As happy as I a for them, and believe me I am. The sadness I felt and have been suppressing for weeks kicked in. And inevitable i finally snapped. And the obvious sadness is visible in my eyes now, so trying to avoid eye contact with people. 
Have I mentioned that all I want is a baby?!, but I feel like I'm planning international espionage. Looking at bank balance, Saving, Planning, talking Visas. And Citizenship, sacrificing, researching, more research, and more sacrificing. 
So, With the greatest of smiles i congratulated all these people. 
as its a beautiful celebration of a new life and family that so many people take for granted.

My amazing hubby and i had a little picnic last weekend our topic conversations are mainly about backup plans. Somewhere in between the chicken and my new low fat salted Carmel brownies, our steps for "what if's" evolved.
Let me tell you, its a wonderful feeling to know that the person who you want a family with, thinks, feels, breaths the same ideas as you. There is no compromise in reference to our family our ideas are exactly the same.....cause everything else we are like chalk and cheese...hehehe,  but we always find a happy medium. 
I think that's how we survive this journey, our selflessness for each other the desire to want the other to be happy. 
We each put each other first. That's what makes this work. 
I'm not going to lie.... There have been moments... Ok LOTs of moments where our relationship had more than a few cracks. But we take it back to basics and remember, we love and respect each other. 
So I may have more than one drink at night to get by.
But. I get by.

You know that felling of going to the gym, working out so hard that for the next few days breathing is and even the action of squatting to sit on the loo is painful. But you know that it's the only way that results will happen.
It's that exact feeling.
I clearly can't give up hoping. I'm to excited about the idea of a baby to give up.

Champagne chilling in the fridge...

This post won't take long to write. Our results were negative.
 The 2 Embies that looked perfect did not attach to our beautiful surrogate. So no celebrations, the champagne is still in the fridge the  journey of hope, anger, grieving, frustration still continue. Man!!!!, What a cocktail of emotions. Infact this time I'm so over it I kept a very low key from everyone.
Thankfully the news came while I was redesigning our shop. So I had no choice but to be focused and switched on. At least with the shop I have control.
The one difference I can say is that NOT being pumped full of drugs to produce foilics and NOT being pumped on drugs to support a pregnancy, I'm dealing with this grief as me. And that's a new feeling that I can cope with.
Now......., well now, I've spoken with Meg, & we put backup plans into action.
I don't give up that easily.
 It is what it is. I'm just grateful for Susan Walling who manages to balance me and my emotions and redirect my energies, and grateful to God for giving me the strength to continue.

It's my time.

Getting back to reality after a wonderful emotional and very positive 11days in Bangkok, this week has been a little full on.

First let's start with good news. Whilst we were still in Bangkok, our beautiful donor had her egg collection. I made up a care basket for her of comfort food, cause I know exactly how she would be feeling physically. 
An hour or so after her collection, we were hugging and discussing how hungry she was [ hence care basket :) ] then I asked her if she would like to know if we get a positive pregnancy, she said yes. I then asked if she would like to keep in contact with us, after the pregnancy, she said yes. With a lot of smiles, hugs  [which as a culture they aren't use to] and a lot of kiss' and an enormous amount of gratitude,  we parted hoping to see again  each other in 9months. :D

We decide to hang back that afternoon at the clinic and spend some time with our surrogate who was waiting for her scan with Dr Pisit. In that time we got to chat [ again through a translator ] I asked her how she was feeling and if she was nervous. She was so cool in her answer, "no". "I feel very comfortable with what I'm doing". 
Again, all I could do was hug her. I said, I'm nervous..... Her reply to me was,
" before I came to do this, I went to a temple, where you dress in white and for 5 days mediate......., this is right for me"
Without a doubt I can say, my heart melted. She was perfect in every way.

She asked if it was ok for her to take some photos with us. So we had a little photo shoot, even Dr Pisit jumped in on a few. 
We said our goodbyes, and hope that we see each other in 9 months.
All was on tract with our surrogate, lining was correct, and our donor had 17 eggs collected. 

Things are looking and for the first time ever, feel really good.
I remember saying to V, how much I feel like I'm at home here in Bangkok.
The energy the feeling of comfort you get form walking into your own home after a long day at work. That's the kind of feeling we had while in Bangkok.
We have returned home and we waited for our day 3 embryo results.

Day 3 embryos, 13 matured of the 17. Now that's good numbers! 
Can i Breath a little easier now.....well no, not just yet. You see we still have to get to day 5. thank god DrPisit and I share this same view. Grow an embryo to day 5 blastostis.

Now, growing to a day 5 blastostis stage embryo  means in basic english that the embryos that are not strong, or viable will cease to develop.
There are still no guarantees, however, there is a stronger chance of pregnancy.

So we are in our last week of the "2 week wait" and all that runs through my mind is, the reality.... this may not work. I've already in my head got a back up plan....... But there are 2 sides to a coin. Why shouldn't this work?? I know I have strength to overcome anything that is put in my path, I know exactly how to pick myself up. what to say to myself to dust myself off. What to do to make it through the days that follow. I know, cause I've been and done and I'm still fighting. But I have a new mantra.
This is my time.

Bangkok ~ My fun tips & how not to get sick ;)

Can't sleep so thought I'd write a quick post on
Tips on shopping eating (not getting sick) and a few things to do while in Bangkok.
Sky train is amazing!! This train got us everywhere in no time cause simply it's in the sky!! Hehehe.... and it's seriously cheap. Sure, take a touktouk, they are brilliant and seriously Pimpped out! And totally decked out with funcky leather seats wifi sub stereo and flashing lights, but you need to Barter with them, and same goes for the taxi, even though they have meters, they ask you how much will you pay. 
Best thing to do is ask at the reception of hotel or appartment how much aprox it will cost, at least that gives a guide to amount. Or just Sky train!!

Shopping, the best place for me is Saim Square. There's a shopping mall called Saim Centre and that is connected to the sky train station which is AWESOME! But Siam square is AMAZING! Allow yourself to walk and get lost in the streets that turn into lane ways that turn into arcades that are filled with back to back wall to wall shopping. Shoes, bags, clothes, wallets, belts, jewellery.
Then stop off and eat at the coolest restaurant Somtam, a cool hip restaurant Where we ordered 7 dishes from chicken to a whole fish, Thai style and a whole lot more and paid 695baht about $24 and we over ordered, but everything looked so inviting. Then just a few shops down you'll find a dessert bar. If you are a mango fan. You must MUST try mango tango. Even while I write this I'm drooling. This shop serves nothing but mango. As a pudding, Icecream, sticky rice, fresh, juice, everything mango!!! 2 desserts will cost you about $7.00 

The street food looks amazing, LOOKS. We didn't try it and thats how we didnt get sick. But honestly, that is completely up to you. When you see, you can judge. We did try the BBQ bananas, and the fresh pomegranate juice and they were amazing. What I found interesting is that everything is served in a clear plastic bag, buy fried fish, in a bag, buy chicken in sauce, in a bag, buy a drink, in a bag....with a staw. Everything is in a bag!
If you are game enough you can try the fried cockroach or Scorpions. However  I preferred to pay the 10baht and just take a photo ;) 
To take it up a few levels, and not only in price, but actual levels, check out SkyBar and my Favourite Vertigo. You don't have to eat at either of these places, just sit at the bar and enjoy a view 59 stories high, go just before sunset, and again you will be visually astonished!

If you love a day where you can be surrounded by Buddha then Wat Pho is beautiful. There is a 50m plus reclining golden Buddha (have the right length in a booklet, but it's late and don't want to get out of bed, just know it's VERY LONG  and simply beautiful )

Then check out china town, night is full on, but day is.....still full on. We got a massage there for $6.50 for an hour.

Now my most favorite touristy adventure was the canal boat through china towns little nooks. I can only say, sit back and allow your eyes to feed on a visual amazement.

Phyathai baby homes, is an orphange to 350 beautiful children under the age of 5. V and I spent 2hrs with a group of 25 2-3yr olds, who really not only wanted to play but, all they want....and I mean ALL THEY WANT is to be hugged and held. We had each at one time 8-10 kids on our lap, arms, back, anywhere they could hang off us they did. If you do go, please note these children are in a beautifully kept village, they are well looked after, clothes and food are donated often by from what we saw lots of other beautiful Thai people. They do need toys, preferable educational toys non violent such as guns. But even balloons are a big hit!
You can visit between 2-4. But be warned your heart will break into 25 pieces when you leave. Mine did.

Ps.... Damn the Stupid Australian government for making adoption so bloody impossible. 

Meeting our Donor and Surrogate

I have always said that I will only meet our surrogate once we were given a positive

Result. Let's  face it, in Inda I've had 5 beautiful women be our surrogate and neither of our efforts have developed into a positive pregnancy.

So why would I meet our surrogate and form an emotional attachment that may not turn into anything. In the case of India that would mean my emotions would be 5 time more. And I'm barley keeping my emotions together now!

Also in India you are not given the option of meeting you Egg Donor. So that was not even a thought that entered my already overloaded mind.

But we have been given a new playing card Thialand!!

Bangkok is the bomb!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.  Love the food, the city, the shopping, but even more so LOVE the people. They are kind, polite, cheerful and have a respect for eachother that you see plainly when your just  walking on the streets. V and I love just sitting back and people watching.
But, I've digressed, i do that alot, so I'll leave my love of Thailand for another post. ;)

 Bangkok, and more specially Megan Sainsbury of Surrogacy  Conceptions give you the option of meeting both your  donor and surrogate. Admittedly I was still not really thinking about meeting them. I asked if I could, and I figured well if the universe places this on my path, and it works without chopping changing and well any type of difficulty then sure, fine, and if I change my mind then so be it.
But on the flight over, where I had 10hrs to think, without being interrupted by contractor for redesigning my shop, suppliers, staff, banks, payments, surrogacy bank balance. I just finally focused and realized Id like to meet them. Not just for the sake of meeting them. But because I need to tell, show them, how much I respect them.

Our beautiful donor had Uni in the morning so her appointment was made for the afternoon, so really the only change we had was a small change in time, as V needed to deposit "his stuff"
On the morning of our meeting, I had an urge to give them gifts. Now nothing I could possibly present them would show the amount of gratitude in terms of "gift" as to the gift they are giving us.
I hit the shopping malls, and I found a gorgeous bag, scarf and a Good luck charm for our beautiful surrogate and Dior makeup and nail polish for our equally beautiful donor.
Again nothing seemed enough! But, it would be a good icebreaker if we needed it.
In India it is advised not to give gifts Until after a birth. But I'm not in India :)

While getting ready I felt like I was going on a blind date,  that well neither of us had to love eachother but we were Gunna make a family together........So no pressure LOL.
 Neither of them spoke a word of english, so lucky Kay was with us and translated. 
And I must say, what an amazing experience.

I didn't cry.....at first. They were all smiles and so friendly, then after the initial greetings of all 4 of us together,  I settled, they settled, V was happy just to sit and listen, we laughted at things took photos and then I asked how my surrogate how she was feeling, being a first time surrogate, she said good, but she hopes that she can keep me smiling. And that yes money is good, but her pregnancies were very easy, and liked being pregnant, loves being a mum ( of 3 children mind you, :)  and wants me to have that joy of a baby.
Ok.... que tears, they started and seemed not to stop. I then asked my donor how she was feeling. This isn't her first donation so she knows what to expect. Her tummy was a little swollen the poor love all I could do was hug her. In fact I think I was hugging both of them every few mins.
I had no question prepared to ask them, however like I said, blind date.
I asked about their families, where they grew up, what they do in their spare time.
Then, our beautiful donor asked if she could ask me some questions.
And right there was the moment that I  realised how important it was for IPs to meet their surrogates and or donors. Not Just for us. But for them.
You see my donors very first question to me was why are we doing this.?
While I answered, I was sitting in the middle of both of them, each of them holding my hands, each of them gasping as the translator explained our conditions, each of them squeezing my hands as I replayed my steps to how I got here.
In that moment and from here on in, to them I'm not some Westerner that has come to pay for their services I'm a person who has traveled the world to find them so that they can give me the ultimate gift. My baby.
No words i write here can give meaning or justice to that moment. The connection between the 3 of us is one we will cherish forever.
And I'm forever indebted to my new extended family.
These women are special and I have their names embedded forever in my heart.

Hellllooooo Bangkok. Here we are!!!

Touch down Bangkok!!

Its wet, hot and steamy and fifty shades of grey.............in the sky ;) 

But, How amazingly beautiful this city is. And, i should mention an absolutely beautiful apartment too. 

The apartment we are in is fairly cheap. ( my stands cheap) Much, MUCH cheaper than India. 

When I was booking for Bangkok, I thought, I'm going to princess this trip up, and stay at one of the super flash gorgeous hotels they have here, but then after speaking with people from  surrogacy Australia, it made Sense to find an apartment that we like so that when we come for baby pickup and have to spend 3-4 weeks here we are comfortable with what's in the area. So my list of what I wanted began. Serviced apartment ( cleaning of rooms) laundry service and to do your own if need be, breakfast and pool.  Modern, clean and close to skytrain. My hubby laughed at me and said my list was too long. Hu! Well I found it, Bliston Suwan Park. 

1 bedroom 2 bathrooms, office, kitchen + lounge room, 70m2  with all that I have mentioned and a really good car service if needed, especially when we have baby.

Www.blistonresidence.com 

Today is our first full day in beautiful Bangkok and hubby and are are totally mentally and physically  exhausted  so we decided to take a little walk around the hood see what we have at our feet and I must say. I LOVE EVERYTHING!!! Street food vendors so kind as to offer us a taste before we buy. [ we didn't buy, just incase we get sick, especially just before V has to do his thing :) ] people are friendly, shopping malls at you feet, and I found my new favourite store Dean and Deluca. Carmel macchiato is on the list everyday!! 

So today we are just chilln by the pool, and re energising

Saturday is our fist appointment at All Ivf. I've asked to meet both our donor and surrogate. In all honestly I have never been sure if I wanted to do so. And only made the decision once we landed. I had 10hrs of flying time to think about it. And weigh up all my pros and cons and decided I don't want to live with regrets. This may be my one chance to meet our beautiful donor that we choose and I have no idea what I'm going to say to her. I mean really what do you say to a woman who can give you your dreams????? but, I know that one day if my child asks me about her I want to be able to answer something about the woman that help give them life. 

My struggle is no greater or less than anyone else's.

When i started this blog, i knew that expressing words in a written form would help me, i also knew it was a document for my baby, to know how much they were wanted. And that i would travel the world on foot if i had to, to have them. I knew that somehow at least one of my experiences would help someone.
What i didn't know was that a year later, id still be on this path, on a road that has lead me in a completely different direction. I didn't know how much strength i have, although in saying that, after the last few weeks i have felt an emotional exhaustion and often hard to catch my breath.
When my child is old enough to read this, i want them to know that, every step taken and every challenge given, has made me and my world a better place.( and will be even more better when they are in it ) But im the newer stronger version of what i used to be. The simple fact is, a challenge is a lesson, a lesson is knowledge and knowledge is Power. And even if the challenge has left me feeling broken, in that there was a lesson, where i know i will also gain power.
Sharing is a power. And  on this journey, you need to share. You share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is what makes everyone that i have come across so incredibly  special, So much diversity in one group with the only thing that links us is the incredible desire for a little person in our lives.

A few days ago i was on the phone with a very dear friend, who it saddens me to say is also trying  for a baby.
When i spoke with her, i noticed a sadness in her voice. When i asked her what was wrong, she told me, but felt guilty in doing so because of the struggle that we have had. And she in her words thinks hers is less compared to mine. Not only did that statement shake me, it sadden me.

My struggles are not greater or less than anyone else's. They are just mine.
If I've walked a path where i know there are thorns on the road, i will draw you a map of where to step.
The one thing i can honestly say is not matter where i am, or whatever emotional  state I'm in my heart and ears are always open to people who need them. I've never turned away anyone, from all those who email me and asked for information to especially a friend. The power of one word can make a difference.
 My god, if i can spare anyone of my friends from any emotional and financial heart ache i will.

So this to my friends in blogger land is for all you who may need that little help and don't know where to start looking.Not only for a direction in Surrogacy and donor, but for you mental and physical well being. Cause damn this is not just any ordinary journey.

True fact. When we choose a clinic or doctor, whether it be India or Thailand, our choices are made by what others have experienced,and by the reputation of a clinic and doctor. I am so tired of researching so i surrendered to someone who can help.

Megan Sainsburry started out being my Connection with a clinic in India. She  has since left and now has her own business, called Surrogacy Conceptions. In my opinion, she is truly kind hearted ethical & very knowledgeable Take note. Because if you need an agent, this woman is on the ball.
Not only with stats and data, but she will help take out some of the sting on this path that can drain you, and your relationship (people going through this......you know what i mean)
surrogacyconceptions@gmail.com

I'm a believer in Holistic Health. And kinesiology  is and has played a big part in my life for many years. Honestly what I get from each session has kept me balanced and sociable enough to keep me on the path of a baby and maintain my business.
I won't go into too much detail as to what is done in each session, as everyone will experience something completely different, purely because we each are completely different. 
However, I will tell you this, energy balance is the centre point of kinesiology, and dealing with one or more stress factors and or clearing a negative emotion [ i've had lots of these in the past let me tell you ] To pain relief, this method of improving mental & physical being has been one of my life lines.

Suzanne Lennard ~ www.luminouslife.com.au
Sussane Wailling ~ www.susanwallingkinesiology.com.au

These 2 women have help keep me in the boxing ring, with a smile most of the time :)

Snap, Crackle & Pop

 Not just a chocolate cereal......


Snap.
Monday last week looked to be a normal day, lunch with a dear Friend, shop running like a well oiled machine, hitting it hard at the gym, only the call from VFS saying that my hubby needed a letter from Greek embassy saying that they acknowledge Surrogacy kind of sent me into a spin. Obviously, we are not applying for Greek citizenship, just Australian, and they have that letter from the Australian High commission. And the law states that ONLY ONE parent need be of Australian citizen for baby to enter the country by genetic decent.
Now, those who have applied for Surrogacy Visa know that on the application it dose not ask if you are doing a donor transfer. All it states is whether you are undergoing surrogacy. So there was no mention of us going down the donor path, so why when we as a couple my husband was not given a Med Visa.??

Crackle.
Over the next 3 days the amount of time i spent on hold, the amount of money i spent in calling VFS (who are in my opinion are brainless) and the amount of people i said these words to.....
The law states that ONLY ONE parent need be of Australian citizen for baby to enter the country by genetic decent. I truly lost count of.
I called Meg, from Surrogacy Conceptions,who was my CM in India. Cause sometimes, its better to have someone act on you behalf, clearly not everything is a smooth ride. She was told i should prepare a Statutory Declaration, stating that we are applying as a couple, V is my spouse of 8yrs, and the letter from Greece is not necessary as we will NOT be applying for baby visa through Greece, and the Australian High commission letter is attached to application.  So that afternoon that's what i did.

PoP. 
after ALOT [ and that's putting it mildly ] of back and forth between Melbourne, Sydney consulate, Adelaide Sydney VFS back to Melbourne [where they had no record of his application, but i just spoke with them the day before about it...ugh] and finally Sydney, and, not to mention a GREAT deal of screaming and swearing. We were denied my hubby's med visa. Now we could very well ship over his "stuff"  and all would be the same.  BUT as I've said before, Listening to the universe. All we want is a family. IT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD. So i simplified it. Thursday afternoon we were told no from VfS. By Friday, i was with our NEW clinic in Thailand ALL IVF.  YEP......Thailand baby!!!!
Thanks to Meg from surrogacy Conceptions, i now have a donor, surrogate and a date of travel, we will be ready to rock n roll by the end of September.

Do i have the time, energy, or care factor to fight a government who's only consistent path in all this time is a proven  path of inconsistencies. My family dreams are not to be determined by a bunch of bureaucratic numbnuts. nor should i put off my dream to fight a battle depending on a whether the case officer that picked up my documents is in a good mood. India is not the only country that can offer us a family, that we so dearly desire.

We Greeks have alot of Saints in our religion. One of My favourite Saints is Fanouri. You pray to him if you've lost or trying to find something. A friend an i used to say his name and just "put it out there" every time we looked for a parking space. and would you know it would work almost every time. She and i would always be amused by that.
My mum, rang me on Wednesday to come pick up food [ Greek mums :) ] and she had baked a cake. She said this is for you, to help you find your way. When you eat it say this prayer and Thank Saint Fanouri....Truth, i didn't think too much of it. Then she in her high pitch voice said. DO IT!
The following day, after all the screaming with VFS, that feeling of this doesn't feel right anymore hit me, and i can say that honestly, the energy pulling me toward Thailand was very comfortable.

 I'm blessed that my family care and are supportive. Telling them that India is a no go,was easy. The only question i got was my brother asked me why we didn't choose Thailand from the beginning. 
When you make a decision with all the information given to you, you go with what suits you best. The key factor for us, was that In India is our baby would be born Stateless and with our names on the birth certificate. Thailand, the baby is born with our surrogates name on the birth certificate. 
All we have to do now is apply for a parental order, and have our names as our child's legal parents.

A beautiful dear friend taught me the word "compromise". 
if this is what it takes, then is just another thing im happy to "let go" of.

14 days...

Almost time to jump on that plane. And with that count down happening there come a list of

decisions that come with that.

Honestly, im scared to make these decisions, V will listen to the "good and bad" but will not decide or give his opinion, as he feels this is one of the only things that we as IPs can control. And my sense of "lack" of control can be reversed by whatever actual choice we have.

1 ~ Do we allow embryos to grow to a day 3 or allow then to grow to a day 5 blastocyst stage before we transfer?

2 ~ Do we transfer 1,2,3,4 embryos into our beautiful surrogate?

3 ~ Do we choose more than one surrogate?

These 3 questions i semi know the answers too. However i also know the risks involved.

1.....Clinic will most times push for day 3 transfer. Allowing embryo to grow in a "natural" environment.

In saying that a day 5 will allow the embryo to develop into a blastocyst stage which shows that the little bean is developing nicely and is strong, even if not in a "natural" environment 

2....... Firstly the health and care of a surrogate is the most important thing. 

Here in Oz you are never allowed to transfer more than 2 embryos. During an IVF cycle In India we can transfer up to 4 embryos.

I have done this, and transferred my 4 embryos into one beautiful woman. however mine are duds, so just hoping 1 would stick.

Now i have an amazing woman donating her golden eggs. and im now wondering that 4 is alot.

mainly because she is fertile, and the risk of a multiple birth is a risk to both surrogate and babies.

At this point in my mind, im thinking 2 embryos to transfer, as it is a safe protocol here in Oz. 

However, what if one splits....then we have 3? Not that i don't want 3 babies, bring it on...but my God what about the surrogate, her health, and of course our babies health....so maybe just 1 embbie, and if that splits then twins are still a risk but more, manageable.

3......The fact is we will have some of V "stuff" on ice, so is a second surrogate needed now.

i guess we can have 2 surrogates, and only 1 embryo in each...

All this on a Sunday morning.......im not sure if i should be making myself a coffee, or a cocktail.!!

Pin the tail on the donkey....

Slowly the clock tics. The seconds seem to take just a little longer than usual.  Stalking my own email for any sign of change is my latest pass time.

Dramatic hu.......well......pfft!  This week almost broke me. All i want is just get my family started and im at a point where i don't want to jump any more hoops. [even though I will, even if they were on fire ]

 VFS now have a new box for us to tick when applying for visa. Now you must tick the ART SURROGACY VISA, it really isn't any different, as apparently in your passport it will state Medical Visa.

We are also in the process of apply for Citizenship for hubby. This is the only way our baby can enter the country. As Baby can only get Australian visa by decent.

On Monday to get NEW ART SURROGATE VISA a whole day of back and forth of emails to explain to Corion what is needed. Then once Ive collect everything run to JP to certify. Then JP wanted to hear my story!??!....like i have all the time in the world to explain 9 yrs to him. I told him. too long to explain ill give u my book once im done. ;) then he wanted the original contract of Surro agreement not the photo copy. Ugh! With alot of whatever Bullshit that came out of my mouth, he finally signed the documents. I then take them back to VFS who there told me now must wait for pre approval,[ new method ] which will take 4-5 working days. And they will call me to then take them hubby's passport for visa. So a total of approx 10 working days till we have visa in hands. Fine. Although im Still waiting for the phone call. 

Tuesday and I'm already mentally exhausted . At the same time we are applying for citizenship for my hubby. Ringing Greek embassy that only work hours that are "whenever they please system" trying to sort out a penal clearance form. That apparently is like asking for gold. It's August in Greece and Summer, this means everyone's on holidays. So making calls in between Greece stuff and citizenship office to ask  if this form is really needed. After 5 long phone calls with one question to 5 different people who gave me 5 different answers, I decided to go straight to the immigration & citizenship office  only to be told that hubby can't apply for citizenship at this time because he was away for more that 90 days last year because his father died in Greece. He can apply at the end of October. Cause it's cutting it short as we leave in September for donor path. Right about now I walked out with tears. And went straight to the gym and kicked the hell out of the boxing bag.

Wednesday, i was depleted. No energy to do anything or be around anyone. Phone and computer stayed off  the whole day, i could not cope with any update. Good or bad.

Thursday I decided to yell at someone since I had spoken to a billion people about this and not one mentioned we couldn't apply now. The lady I spoke with said since we have been married and in Australia for 8yrs we can apply for spouse discretion. It apparently covers the time he was away.
Dumb ass couldn't tell me this last time i was there.
I went to JP to have the spouse discretion certified. Only to be told by him that he needs to see the original marriage certificate. Grrrrr!!!!![ insert a lot of swear words]
So I've decided to wing it and go back to citizenship office without JP signature. I'm here with all the paperwork they have asked for as well as the spouse discretion. And hoping they don't ask for anything more because I may just slap them!
The game pin the tail on the donkey...well....feeling like that at the moment. Just not sure if I'm the one pining the tail or the donkey!?!

........At least i have choices

it real does say it all.

I tell you....the universe loves to just always keep me on my toes.


When looking for an egg donor i cant say that i had numbered my top 3 in an order of preference.
It was just an order because someone had to be on the top of the list.
When my number 1 was not available the month of September, because she had just donated and each woman after an egg collection should wait 3 months before starting another cycle. [ should mention that the 3 month wait is in India not here in Oz]
And my number 2 decided that she wanted to add to her own family....i did start to feel like i couldn't catch a break, then my number 3 was confirmed and baby i was all smiles.
Well since my last post, my confirmed donor had to change date because of work commitments.
[ insert a lot of swear words ] and it would be a lie if i tell you i was ok with that.....but after a few hours of cooking because it helps take my mind off things, i emailed Corion and asked them for more profiles.
Because now 36 women to choose from became overwhelming i took a break form looking at beautiful women and trying to decide whether i choose a proven donor [ someone who's egg have ended in a successful pregnancy ] or a first time donor. I narrowed it down to two women, asked a beautiful friend for some advise who also has chosen a donor and has two healthy beautiful children and i went off to cook.

A little later at 12 midnight i looked at both profiles and went with the one who i felt a connection with who also happened to be the proven donor.
I should mention  that in the overwhelming state i was in, i asked Corion what the success rates of proven donor compared to first timer were. and damn i must say that their response was very professional and perfect. ~"Let me tell you when a woman volunteers to be a donor we do their screening which includes hormonal profile as well an antral follicle count. When we stimulate a new donor we would have speculated her response. Its a rare thing that a new donor gives a poor response and in case we suspect that we immediately cancel the cycle and do not charge you for that.
Also, every proven donor has donated sometime for the first time and taking a proven or a new donor does not change the success rate ~"  it didn't sway my choice.....but it did easy any doubts i had, and for that i am grateful.

So we now await to hear dates for travel.
Honestly, I cant wait to start this road. Im not excited, nor doubtful. Im not fearful, or stressed. Im realistic.
This path is new, and success is high, but just as the notion of success is prominent the possibility of this not working first time is also a possibility.
So when asked am i excited........well no. Excitement didn't get me anywhere the last 9yrs. Im realistic, knowing that if i Persist & Trust in myself, then one day i'll have my baby.

Just to add to the emotion of last weekends challenges the  Mary Coustas Story on 60mins had most of us in tears, for some it was an emotion of empathy for me it was i feeling i related to. Somehow sharing  that feeling of "living in a horror movie" as she put it ever so delicately, has kept a smile on my face. Not because of her pain....My God i don't wish that feeling of Pain, lose, failure for anyone...EVER!, but Knowing that an all time legend in the Australia Greek community has gone through the egg donor path and is pregnant. Damn That's real. And, so amazing. Only thing is questions that now arise from people who I've told is why didn't we choose Greece for egg donor.? The simple answer to that is,Mary had a donor egg transferred into her. We need a surrogate and a donor. Greece don't offer for my standard a grate surrogacy program like India do.
And on that note.....it's such a shame that India have taken the position they have in regard to Foreigners and surrogacy in their country, its clearly discrimination, it also looks like same sex couples may need to look to Thailand as the laws look like they will become not untouchable, but difficult for same sex couples also.

This is just speculation on my part, but words that keep being thrown around by ministers is enough to have me concerned. I remember talking to a Doctor in India 6 months ago....and it seemed these new laws were then only a puff of smoke. I say........where there's smoke, there's fire.

Dear India, WTF!!!

It seems as though India are tying the knot. ON A NOOSE FOR SOME FOREIGNERS!!

this is the latest article published today.

http://www.livemint.com/Politics/ZsS2zs7KvqHlk4FCguW0EN/Draft-surrogacy-Bill-bars-homosexuals-livein-couples.html

i still am unsure of what the last part means, about the contacts between IPs and Surrogates???

The only certain thing is that India will see MUCH less foreigners and Thailand will be the preferred
country of choice for Surrogacy.
Because what some people in Government don't seem to understand either because they have not experienced obstacles in their lives or they are just that dumb. Is that the desire to be a parent is so overwhelming that when you have that feeling, the Intended Parent WILL travel to the ends of the earth to make it happen.

Donor has been Confirmed.

With the email that sent me into a state of excitement, then 5 mins later a state of panic.

Our donor has been confirmed, and dates will be sent out to when we will be able to travel.
At this stage its looking like end of September. We need to sort out whether it will just be V travelling or,
if also go.....so September works fines for us.

I'm telling you this. Panic is reality slapping you in the face.
Over the past few days i've been distant from everyone. Keeping the news of our confirmed donor to myself,
when i started to tell one or two people, their excitement was more than mine. Its been a week or so now,
and the waves between excitement and sadness come and go. And i still haven't told my family.

Corion have been wonderful, as we know questions just keep coming to me. It seems my brain wont shut down even when its meant to like when im sleeping. Cause for some strange reason i wake up at 1am with a list of questions for the clinic, and cause im me, i email them my questions at 1am.

One of the questions that had me up was in the agreement we signed, it states that the donor is assured to produce at least 8 egg during a stimulation cycle.
Seriously how can they give this type of assurance and what if the donor doesn't produce 8 eggs!?
Thankfully the response was quick and sufficient -  'we assure you a minimum of 8 eggs. In case the donor's response is poor, we cancel the cycle and do not charge you for the stimulation. We will then offer you some other donor.'  See this is what a good clinic should do. However surly im not the only one who see 8 eggs guaranteed and questions it. Why don't they write all this information in the agreement?

When i look back as to where we stared from trying to have a baby through IVF (which im still recovering from...ugh) to letting go of that idea, to finding a beautiful surrogate to carry our baby, to letting go of that idea, to finding a donor. + a surrogate...... F%#K ME! all this in 10 months... no wonder my liver and kidneys haven't recovered. LOL

When we finally get a positive result im going to have a little party, (the big party will be after the 12 weeks)
 i kid you not..... but there will be Lots of Bubbles!

How do you pick a donor ???

Things don't always go with the plan that you've set in you mind. But the one thing I've realised is that the universe will provide exactly what you need, and exactly when you need it. I truly believe that. All you have to do is learn to read the signs.

After a few weeks of reading stats, talking to people, research and once again feeling like i live on a different planet to people around me, we have chosen our clinic. And this time we'll be travelling to Mumbai, as that's where Dr Kadam from Corion is.
I haven't done much research on Mumbai at the moment,......... im just gunna take a stab in the dark and say that, that update will be in the following blog post. ;)
But......Corion has a cool modern feel to it, it provides surrogate care and accommodation which was very important to me. And the hospital that baby is born in has amazing care, and the newest equipment for all baby needs if needs are necessary.
How do i know this....its all part of the research i did.
Talk to people that have been, seen, and are going through baby pick up, and even those who have had some baby complication.

I skyped with Dr Kadam  a few weeks ago and she won me over. You see i look for a connection with my Doctors simply because if i pick up on the fact they are Media hungry, or looking at you as a Lab rat or just a Dollar sign....well...... I don't intend to put my self through that again. It's called Lesson Learnt!
There are a lot of Options in India not just one or two clinic's like here in my home town.
And lets no forget that ive been on this path for nearly a year now, been and seen India, know how to, what not to and what to ask, and look for. But most importantly i now know lots of people who have been and are in the process of surrogacy and if i miss anything.......they got my back!  

When i sent the email to Dr Kadam, that we were changing directions and that our new path is in the land of donor egg. Her reply was warm and very sincere, saying...... that must have been a difficult decision but understands what a sacrifice like that means so that we can finally have our family.

The following day after i sent the email to Dr Kadam, the Dr in charge of the donor program emailed me
with a list of profile of 15 women.

what these profile consisted of was a picture of the woman, her age, height,weight, marital status, blood type, how many times pregnant, how many kids she has, religion, skin colour, and lots of medical blood codes....that all stated nil. and whether they are educated.
I thought that education was a main point for me, but as it turned out it wasn't.....basically because firstly, i didn't go to university, and i don't consider myself any less that a doctor or lawyer. Secondly, they could be the bright person there is, but because of financial or religious or really just life, they were not able to continue with further education, so No, that is not a factor in choosing our egg donor.
Overall the information that has been provided by Corion is enough to help you choose. However, being the Nit picking person that i am......i needed more.

The few things they didn't state were big questions for me.

1...have they done this before?

2...if they had, then had it developed into a successful pregnancy?

3....do they smoke?

4...if they are a continuous donor, how long do they have to wait before they go through another cycle?

For me, its important that they have their own children, and that they have done and been a proven successful donor, and that they do not smoke.

When i received the profiles i sat down with V and we looked over them. Then i asked him to help me pick. He took a deep breathe and said no. He'd like me to pick, but if i couldn't and found it difficult then yes, then he'll help.
Honestly, at first i was shocked he said no........but then i realised why he was a little uncomfortable. It was about me.  How do you pick a woman to have your baby? and that's why he felt like he couldn't choose.

So..........how do I pick a woman to have my husbands baby??
[ you should know that im writing this sentence and smiling ] I know very well that the baby born is and will always be MY child...no doubt. It's that simple.... the end.
I called on a beautiful friend...SD. knowing completely she would understand..... i had a top 2, we looked at all factors, we were blown away by these women's beauty, and she made me laugh through out the whole process, which i thought was going to be tough, but.....adding a little humour to it i eventually decided, and showed my hubby.
I sent the email, and..........donor number 1 wasn't available the month that we wanted to travel. Hence the universe. My old ways would have been to take control, and do anything to make it happen, but.....the new me is happy to say, that donor number 2, and 3, are still available and a decision will be made soon.

You see im in a good place in my life. I wouldn't change any part of my life with anything or anyone. The journey i've been given is for a reason, im still a little unclear as to what, but,  it is what it is, and im happy with who i am. who i've become and who i've met and continue to meet.

The reality is, It's Life.........you never know what each day will bring....but....i for one can say its not boring.
And im in love with the dream of what could, can and will be.

Changing directions.

There are certain events, that you will remember the exact moment that something happened and brought you to a halt, and in that exact moment you can suddenly find yourself changing directions.

You see for the last few weeks I've not posted anything not for the lack of words....but for the lack of information.
Ive been waiting for the test results of the CGH to come back, and in that time I've been researching other clinics and Doctors.

We have now decided that we will no longer be a patient of SCI. Dr shivani has been great but V and i decided that we need to move on. I made a mistake of staying with one, and only one IVF clinic here, i can not make that same mistake again.
 
Just to re-cap, during my last IVF cycle here in Oz I had my embryos frozen. After a whole lot of research i decided to have both embryos CGH tested. This where they take the embryo and mind you they will only take an A grade embryo thaw & biopsy it. When the embryologist explained the procedure i firstly was amazed that i understood. And secondly how a little embryo undergoes all that probing and survives is also amazing, as the technique is quite invasive.
What this test looks for is the 46 genetics that will correctly make a healthy embryo, therefore what they do not discard is meant to be the best of the best....however there are still no guarantees.

Out of the two I had frozen only one survived the thawing. this little embie was a day 5, they biopsied then refroze. And in 10 days I would get an answer. And that day has come, and it was the moment that sent my world into another direction.

I was at my shop when I received the call and after I spoke with the embryologist, I spent the next few hours smiling and taking lunch orders from my customers. Heart in stomach the whole time. I'm sure some customers got things they didn't ask for in their rolls...cause i was there, but not really, as all i heard was the embryologist saying....Your embryo has genetic abnormalities....I'm sorry....blahblahblah...and BANG. in that second there lied the  change in direction.

I went off the radar for a few days, head pounding and mind just didn't know how to stop talking to me. Repeating what were my options now. I must remember that Every cycle is different. Its one of those things nature plays with us...everyone produces some abnormal embies at sometime.  I could do another cycle and produce no good quality embryos..... or i could produce 3-4-6 perfect Embryos. UGH!! more decisions
more research, more..more more...more everything. Still no baby!
 If we produce dud embryos (not eggs and not sperm, genetically together embryos) do we keep going with more injections to produce more embryos, have them tested and look for that "golden egg" and then pray it falls into the 86-95%  success category Or do we drop that idea of  "my biological  child" and look to donor.
I should say that these percentages vary from clinic to clinic & doctor to doctor and age.

For 2-3 days now I've been reading looking at stats and wondering how I got here. I'm grateful for the options I have and I thank God every day for the strength I have, cause there are always obstacles but I always find the tools to tackle them.
As a side note - damn its good not being on any medication. Being hit with bad news is hard but i so notice a difference dealing with these obstacles as ME!

V and i spoke intensely over the next few days. We always knew donor was an option and it always sat in the back of my mind. It now seems its made its way front and centre. V wants me to make the ultimate decision as what we are proposing is a donor egg. Reality is, his biological child not mine. Am i ok with that?

When i visited the orphanages in India i saw so many children and all i could think of is i wish i could take you home with me. One look into their eyes and i was in love.
So why am i having a hard time getting passed this. I know I'll love the baby, no doubt! i know i'll have no issue with what people will think. no doubt! so whats the problem?.
Letting go. These two words have been haunting me Forever!!! from the beginning of this journey....and in my out of 'surrogacy world' this is my lesson. LET GO!.

Let go of how it should be.
Let go of who said what.
Let go of promises.
Let go of people.
Let go of control.
Let go of not carrying my baby
Let go of clinics and Doctors
Just bloody Let go.!

So i did.

A beautiful angel who i am pleased to call my friend said something to me the other day. "you'll know when you have to make that leap of faith"

My head tells me, i have strength to do more cycles, my heart tells me its hurting, my body is telling me no more.

So i jumped...... and what made this leap somewhat easier, was my hubby hold my hand all the way.



NOTE ~ CGH TESTING

DOWNSIDE ~ Unfortunately there is still no 100% success.
Cost involved. it depends where you go. A my clinic in Oz it's $500 per embryos in India it's grouped into 4 and is appox $4000ish
Your forehead has a stamp of ATM. $$$ cause no matter what if you don't fall pregnant with the batch you've just tested there is a very high chance you will do this test again $$$$$ kaching$$$$!
UPSIDE ~You are now adding to your degree in everything fertility. ;)
You now know of another "what if" and no matter what the percentages given...they are still high, and bloody good.

I'm going to add this link even though its dated 2011, it still give a good indication of Age v's CGH http://reprogenetics.com/array-cgh-testing-and-embryo-prognosis/

Doing any type of research is painful and researching clinics is just a nightmare. You'll find websites that look amazing with so much information, but as you read you realise there's really no information at all.
This link is brilliant it suggests some clinics and its broken down all the important stuff you'll need to get your feet moving in the right direction.

http://indiasurrogacy.forumotion.net/login?redirect=%2Fu1