M.I.A

i know i have been MIA, there's a very good reason. Apart from redesingning our shop and adding a new line and working 70hr weeks, ive been researching lots, which i will write about bit by bit in the weeks to come.
I've also been active on our "baby making end" this ride is the Mother Fu#%er of all rollercoaster. as once again we were left crashed,depleted,and devistated, but this time we had a twist added to our rollercoaster ride. as it seems that the Universe/God would like us to experiance Every aspect of this joureny.
Am i ok with that. Well......i have to be. But once again, i hope my foot steps, will help others.
in saying that to those who have emailed me privetly, i havent forgotten you, just taking me some time to gather the info.
but always remember, to those just starting. To Fly, you must first jump.

26-11-13

10 days ago we did a eft. With a new surrogate. Not my choice to have a new surrogate. But it happend  and I had to get over it.
We transfer 2 embryos both a day 5 blast one hatching the other a collapsed hatching. I've done extensive reading on embryo growth. Let me tell you, minuets even seconds make a difference in their development. Dr Pisit chose 2 beautiful embryos, our surrogates uteral lining is perfect. This is all and everything that you can ask for at this stage.  And......
Today we found out  we are pregnant. We finally got our BFP and I can't share it with anyone.
Actually not that I can't. But we decided 10days ago we wouldn't tell anyone that we were trying again. As I said in one of my last posts. It's become  a broken record and I hate hearing myself saying over and over again "negataive"
So we decide that cause no trip this time was needed so lies needed to be told we would just keep this to ourselves. And that's exactly what we did, no parents, brother, sisters, friends. No one.
And we are pregnant.
We still aren't jumping for joy, as our surrogates hcg levels are only 90.82 not as high as high like. But the doctor seem to think all is good and sent her home with her meds and to go back for test as per usual in a week.
If he thought they were low he' ll ask for a test in 3 days.
At this stage all I know is that our surrogate is hungry all the time....
I just can't seem to get excited. I'm so scared that her levels won't increase.
Why couldn't just be high levels, happy surrogate happy IPs and in 9 months
Healthy baby. Is that so hard. Give me a break!
Now in saying all that I'm writing this thinking. You got what you asked for. A positive result. So smile and be happy. And I am. But I can't relax and be excited. I'm holding my breath till the next blood test.
Feels like the stress never leaves you.

1-12-13
It's like this...... We have a positive. A BFP. And I've told no one. Nothing. Nada. I call a friend on Saturday thinking I was gunna tell her. But she didn't answer. Then I saw a friend to and I was going to mention something. But I didn't. And then I realized what I was doing. By not telling them they can't  get excited. Which in turn stops me from allowing my self to be excited. Safe. So not how I envisioned it.  Beta is at 90. Not strong, but anything above 50 is a beautiful positive.
Now we wait a week, Untill our beautiful surrogate has her next bloods.

8-12-13
Telling no one has been hard. I wanted to share it with those who have held my hand throughout this journey but just felt like we needed to to this alone this time.
Keeping busy with work has helped.
Found out a beautiful friend who's journey for a family has been a long hard road is now expecting twins. And boy, let me tell you it's the first time I cried with so much happiness.

Our results came through and wooooohoooo beta is at 2835. Now that's high and we are pregnant. WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!! Our surrogate is feeling hungry ALOT and wants to sleep all day. All good healthy signs.

As for me, I can sleep a little easier tonight.
And in my head I started to work out dates of birth. I never allow myself to think that far ahead. But this time I'm planning at the 8week mark to tell my family on Christmas Day WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

Next stage is the 6 weeks. Where Dr looks for sac, maybe a little flicker of a heart beat. But that is more at the 7-8 week mark.

15-12-13
That feeling of looking at your watch every 5mins but it feels like hours have past.
Wellllllll.... That! Keeping busy during the day is easy. But come 6pm and no email no phone call, I stressed. And in my gut I knew something wasn't right.
V kept checking in with me. But hours had past and still nothing.
I kept clam, and started putting a new plan of action into place. Working on back up plans has become my second nature.
As it turns out. Gut feeling was right.
Our beautiful surrogates Hcg levels had dropped to 150.
This pregnancy will not continue.
Anger,sadness,feeling like we've been cursed, energy levels on empty, how can this be. But more importantly WHY!?!

16-12-13
Emailed Dr Pisit. In short he also was surprised.
V and I spoke extensively as to how I felt. Honestly this lack of control is a Bitch!
I can't change the past, but I have learnt a lot of lessons both in my surrogacy journey and my personal life.
I asked Dr Pisit directly to continue ASAP with a surrogate from his clinic.
I need to be involved in this as much as I can. Letting go and allowing others just doesn't work for me. However in saying that I'm am forever Greatful to Meg and her assistance.
But I need this to feel right for me, and these are my next steps in my path to my baby.