Champagne chilling in the fridge...

This post won't take long to write. Our results were negative.
 The 2 Embies that looked perfect did not attach to our beautiful surrogate. So no celebrations, the champagne is still in the fridge the  journey of hope, anger, grieving, frustration still continue. Man!!!!, What a cocktail of emotions. Infact this time I'm so over it I kept a very low key from everyone.
Thankfully the news came while I was redesigning our shop. So I had no choice but to be focused and switched on. At least with the shop I have control.
The one difference I can say is that NOT being pumped full of drugs to produce foilics and NOT being pumped on drugs to support a pregnancy, I'm dealing with this grief as me. And that's a new feeling that I can cope with.
Now......., well now, I've spoken with Meg, & we put backup plans into action.
I don't give up that easily.
 It is what it is. I'm just grateful for Susan Walling who manages to balance me and my emotions and redirect my energies, and grateful to God for giving me the strength to continue.

It's my time.

Getting back to reality after a wonderful emotional and very positive 11days in Bangkok, this week has been a little full on.

First let's start with good news. Whilst we were still in Bangkok, our beautiful donor had her egg collection. I made up a care basket for her of comfort food, cause I know exactly how she would be feeling physically. 
An hour or so after her collection, we were hugging and discussing how hungry she was [ hence care basket :) ] then I asked her if she would like to know if we get a positive pregnancy, she said yes. I then asked if she would like to keep in contact with us, after the pregnancy, she said yes. With a lot of smiles, hugs  [which as a culture they aren't use to] and a lot of kiss' and an enormous amount of gratitude,  we parted hoping to see again  each other in 9months. :D

We decide to hang back that afternoon at the clinic and spend some time with our surrogate who was waiting for her scan with Dr Pisit. In that time we got to chat [ again through a translator ] I asked her how she was feeling and if she was nervous. She was so cool in her answer, "no". "I feel very comfortable with what I'm doing". 
Again, all I could do was hug her. I said, I'm nervous..... Her reply to me was,
" before I came to do this, I went to a temple, where you dress in white and for 5 days mediate......., this is right for me"
Without a doubt I can say, my heart melted. She was perfect in every way.

She asked if it was ok for her to take some photos with us. So we had a little photo shoot, even Dr Pisit jumped in on a few. 
We said our goodbyes, and hope that we see each other in 9 months.
All was on tract with our surrogate, lining was correct, and our donor had 17 eggs collected. 

Things are looking and for the first time ever, feel really good.
I remember saying to V, how much I feel like I'm at home here in Bangkok.
The energy the feeling of comfort you get form walking into your own home after a long day at work. That's the kind of feeling we had while in Bangkok.
We have returned home and we waited for our day 3 embryo results.

Day 3 embryos, 13 matured of the 17. Now that's good numbers! 
Can i Breath a little easier now.....well no, not just yet. You see we still have to get to day 5. thank god DrPisit and I share this same view. Grow an embryo to day 5 blastostis.

Now, growing to a day 5 blastostis stage embryo  means in basic english that the embryos that are not strong, or viable will cease to develop.
There are still no guarantees, however, there is a stronger chance of pregnancy.

So we are in our last week of the "2 week wait" and all that runs through my mind is, the reality.... this may not work. I've already in my head got a back up plan....... But there are 2 sides to a coin. Why shouldn't this work?? I know I have strength to overcome anything that is put in my path, I know exactly how to pick myself up. what to say to myself to dust myself off. What to do to make it through the days that follow. I know, cause I've been and done and I'm still fighting. But I have a new mantra.
This is my time.

Bangkok ~ My fun tips & how not to get sick ;)

Can't sleep so thought I'd write a quick post on
Tips on shopping eating (not getting sick) and a few things to do while in Bangkok.
Sky train is amazing!! This train got us everywhere in no time cause simply it's in the sky!! Hehehe.... and it's seriously cheap. Sure, take a touktouk, they are brilliant and seriously Pimpped out! And totally decked out with funcky leather seats wifi sub stereo and flashing lights, but you need to Barter with them, and same goes for the taxi, even though they have meters, they ask you how much will you pay. 
Best thing to do is ask at the reception of hotel or appartment how much aprox it will cost, at least that gives a guide to amount. Or just Sky train!!

Shopping, the best place for me is Saim Square. There's a shopping mall called Saim Centre and that is connected to the sky train station which is AWESOME! But Siam square is AMAZING! Allow yourself to walk and get lost in the streets that turn into lane ways that turn into arcades that are filled with back to back wall to wall shopping. Shoes, bags, clothes, wallets, belts, jewellery.
Then stop off and eat at the coolest restaurant Somtam, a cool hip restaurant Where we ordered 7 dishes from chicken to a whole fish, Thai style and a whole lot more and paid 695baht about $24 and we over ordered, but everything looked so inviting. Then just a few shops down you'll find a dessert bar. If you are a mango fan. You must MUST try mango tango. Even while I write this I'm drooling. This shop serves nothing but mango. As a pudding, Icecream, sticky rice, fresh, juice, everything mango!!! 2 desserts will cost you about $7.00 

The street food looks amazing, LOOKS. We didn't try it and thats how we didnt get sick. But honestly, that is completely up to you. When you see, you can judge. We did try the BBQ bananas, and the fresh pomegranate juice and they were amazing. What I found interesting is that everything is served in a clear plastic bag, buy fried fish, in a bag, buy chicken in sauce, in a bag, buy a drink, in a bag....with a staw. Everything is in a bag!
If you are game enough you can try the fried cockroach or Scorpions. However  I preferred to pay the 10baht and just take a photo ;) 
To take it up a few levels, and not only in price, but actual levels, check out SkyBar and my Favourite Vertigo. You don't have to eat at either of these places, just sit at the bar and enjoy a view 59 stories high, go just before sunset, and again you will be visually astonished!

If you love a day where you can be surrounded by Buddha then Wat Pho is beautiful. There is a 50m plus reclining golden Buddha (have the right length in a booklet, but it's late and don't want to get out of bed, just know it's VERY LONG  and simply beautiful )

Then check out china town, night is full on, but day is.....still full on. We got a massage there for $6.50 for an hour.

Now my most favorite touristy adventure was the canal boat through china towns little nooks. I can only say, sit back and allow your eyes to feed on a visual amazement.

Phyathai baby homes, is an orphange to 350 beautiful children under the age of 5. V and I spent 2hrs with a group of 25 2-3yr olds, who really not only wanted to play but, all they want....and I mean ALL THEY WANT is to be hugged and held. We had each at one time 8-10 kids on our lap, arms, back, anywhere they could hang off us they did. If you do go, please note these children are in a beautifully kept village, they are well looked after, clothes and food are donated often by from what we saw lots of other beautiful Thai people. They do need toys, preferable educational toys non violent such as guns. But even balloons are a big hit!
You can visit between 2-4. But be warned your heart will break into 25 pieces when you leave. Mine did.

Ps.... Damn the Stupid Australian government for making adoption so bloody impossible. 

Meeting our Donor and Surrogate

I have always said that I will only meet our surrogate once we were given a positive

Result. Let's  face it, in Inda I've had 5 beautiful women be our surrogate and neither of our efforts have developed into a positive pregnancy.

So why would I meet our surrogate and form an emotional attachment that may not turn into anything. In the case of India that would mean my emotions would be 5 time more. And I'm barley keeping my emotions together now!

Also in India you are not given the option of meeting you Egg Donor. So that was not even a thought that entered my already overloaded mind.

But we have been given a new playing card Thialand!!

Bangkok is the bomb!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.  Love the food, the city, the shopping, but even more so LOVE the people. They are kind, polite, cheerful and have a respect for eachother that you see plainly when your just  walking on the streets. V and I love just sitting back and people watching.
But, I've digressed, i do that alot, so I'll leave my love of Thailand for another post. ;)

 Bangkok, and more specially Megan Sainsbury of Surrogacy  Conceptions give you the option of meeting both your  donor and surrogate. Admittedly I was still not really thinking about meeting them. I asked if I could, and I figured well if the universe places this on my path, and it works without chopping changing and well any type of difficulty then sure, fine, and if I change my mind then so be it.
But on the flight over, where I had 10hrs to think, without being interrupted by contractor for redesigning my shop, suppliers, staff, banks, payments, surrogacy bank balance. I just finally focused and realized Id like to meet them. Not just for the sake of meeting them. But because I need to tell, show them, how much I respect them.

Our beautiful donor had Uni in the morning so her appointment was made for the afternoon, so really the only change we had was a small change in time, as V needed to deposit "his stuff"
On the morning of our meeting, I had an urge to give them gifts. Now nothing I could possibly present them would show the amount of gratitude in terms of "gift" as to the gift they are giving us.
I hit the shopping malls, and I found a gorgeous bag, scarf and a Good luck charm for our beautiful surrogate and Dior makeup and nail polish for our equally beautiful donor.
Again nothing seemed enough! But, it would be a good icebreaker if we needed it.
In India it is advised not to give gifts Until after a birth. But I'm not in India :)

While getting ready I felt like I was going on a blind date,  that well neither of us had to love eachother but we were Gunna make a family together........So no pressure LOL.
 Neither of them spoke a word of english, so lucky Kay was with us and translated. 
And I must say, what an amazing experience.

I didn't cry.....at first. They were all smiles and so friendly, then after the initial greetings of all 4 of us together,  I settled, they settled, V was happy just to sit and listen, we laughted at things took photos and then I asked how my surrogate how she was feeling, being a first time surrogate, she said good, but she hopes that she can keep me smiling. And that yes money is good, but her pregnancies were very easy, and liked being pregnant, loves being a mum ( of 3 children mind you, :)  and wants me to have that joy of a baby.
Ok.... que tears, they started and seemed not to stop. I then asked my donor how she was feeling. This isn't her first donation so she knows what to expect. Her tummy was a little swollen the poor love all I could do was hug her. In fact I think I was hugging both of them every few mins.
I had no question prepared to ask them, however like I said, blind date.
I asked about their families, where they grew up, what they do in their spare time.
Then, our beautiful donor asked if she could ask me some questions.
And right there was the moment that I  realised how important it was for IPs to meet their surrogates and or donors. Not Just for us. But for them.
You see my donors very first question to me was why are we doing this.?
While I answered, I was sitting in the middle of both of them, each of them holding my hands, each of them gasping as the translator explained our conditions, each of them squeezing my hands as I replayed my steps to how I got here.
In that moment and from here on in, to them I'm not some Westerner that has come to pay for their services I'm a person who has traveled the world to find them so that they can give me the ultimate gift. My baby.
No words i write here can give meaning or justice to that moment. The connection between the 3 of us is one we will cherish forever.
And I'm forever indebted to my new extended family.
These women are special and I have their names embedded forever in my heart.