deep breaths.

Hope.
Wikipedia's definition ~
'Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen".Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation";

I almost lost it. Hope that is. I almost lost it. I found myself saying for the first time I'm tired of this emotional pain. Im embarrassed and exhausted  of failing so often. I'm drained mentally. I miss having a life, and I miss shopping. Afters days of being in a daze from our negative result. I realised that I'm still breathing, I'm functioning around people, I'm able to go to work. I'm able to be around certain people  and pull off a very convincing act that I'm ok. I'm breathing. It's long deep breaths. But I'm breathing. What dose that tell me. That I'm bloody strong. 
I know I'm not the most positive or hopeful person at the moment. And I'm choosing the people I surround myself with very carefully. It's not because friends don't care. But, it's because I'm over it. I'm Sick of herding the same crap coming out of my mouth and sick of hearing the same response from people. 'Have hope', 'Don't give up'. By all means I love every single one of these people who have said that to me. But I'm just numb. And their words are just not having the same affect as they use to.

After weeks off just keeping to myself and staying off and away from anything baby and surrogacy and only completely focusing on my business( which I have mentally neglected for well over a year). After finding out our sixth attempt had failed 4 weeks ago, I wanted to just switch off and distance myself from everything. No baby news, no emails, no questions, no answers, positives or negatives. However, As it just happens (thanks universe) in the last 3 weeks 4 of my friends have announced they are pregnant, and a family member just had a baby too. As happy as I a for them, and believe me I am. The sadness I felt and have been suppressing for weeks kicked in. And inevitable i finally snapped. And the obvious sadness is visible in my eyes now, so trying to avoid eye contact with people. 
Have I mentioned that all I want is a baby?!, but I feel like I'm planning international espionage. Looking at bank balance, Saving, Planning, talking Visas. And Citizenship, sacrificing, researching, more research, and more sacrificing. 
So, With the greatest of smiles i congratulated all these people. 
as its a beautiful celebration of a new life and family that so many people take for granted.

My amazing hubby and i had a little picnic last weekend our topic conversations are mainly about backup plans. Somewhere in between the chicken and my new low fat salted Carmel brownies, our steps for "what if's" evolved.
Let me tell you, its a wonderful feeling to know that the person who you want a family with, thinks, feels, breaths the same ideas as you. There is no compromise in reference to our family our ideas are exactly the same.....cause everything else we are like chalk and cheese...hehehe,  but we always find a happy medium. 
I think that's how we survive this journey, our selflessness for each other the desire to want the other to be happy. 
We each put each other first. That's what makes this work. 
I'm not going to lie.... There have been moments... Ok LOTs of moments where our relationship had more than a few cracks. But we take it back to basics and remember, we love and respect each other. 
So I may have more than one drink at night to get by.
But. I get by.

You know that felling of going to the gym, working out so hard that for the next few days breathing is and even the action of squatting to sit on the loo is painful. But you know that it's the only way that results will happen.
It's that exact feeling.
I clearly can't give up hoping. I'm to excited about the idea of a baby to give up.