Changing directions.

There are certain events, that you will remember the exact moment that something happened and brought you to a halt, and in that exact moment you can suddenly find yourself changing directions.

You see for the last few weeks I've not posted anything not for the lack of words....but for the lack of information.
Ive been waiting for the test results of the CGH to come back, and in that time I've been researching other clinics and Doctors.

We have now decided that we will no longer be a patient of SCI. Dr shivani has been great but V and i decided that we need to move on. I made a mistake of staying with one, and only one IVF clinic here, i can not make that same mistake again.
 
Just to re-cap, during my last IVF cycle here in Oz I had my embryos frozen. After a whole lot of research i decided to have both embryos CGH tested. This where they take the embryo and mind you they will only take an A grade embryo thaw & biopsy it. When the embryologist explained the procedure i firstly was amazed that i understood. And secondly how a little embryo undergoes all that probing and survives is also amazing, as the technique is quite invasive.
What this test looks for is the 46 genetics that will correctly make a healthy embryo, therefore what they do not discard is meant to be the best of the best....however there are still no guarantees.

Out of the two I had frozen only one survived the thawing. this little embie was a day 5, they biopsied then refroze. And in 10 days I would get an answer. And that day has come, and it was the moment that sent my world into another direction.

I was at my shop when I received the call and after I spoke with the embryologist, I spent the next few hours smiling and taking lunch orders from my customers. Heart in stomach the whole time. I'm sure some customers got things they didn't ask for in their rolls...cause i was there, but not really, as all i heard was the embryologist saying....Your embryo has genetic abnormalities....I'm sorry....blahblahblah...and BANG. in that second there lied the  change in direction.

I went off the radar for a few days, head pounding and mind just didn't know how to stop talking to me. Repeating what were my options now. I must remember that Every cycle is different. Its one of those things nature plays with us...everyone produces some abnormal embies at sometime.  I could do another cycle and produce no good quality embryos..... or i could produce 3-4-6 perfect Embryos. UGH!! more decisions
more research, more..more more...more everything. Still no baby!
 If we produce dud embryos (not eggs and not sperm, genetically together embryos) do we keep going with more injections to produce more embryos, have them tested and look for that "golden egg" and then pray it falls into the 86-95%  success category Or do we drop that idea of  "my biological  child" and look to donor.
I should say that these percentages vary from clinic to clinic & doctor to doctor and age.

For 2-3 days now I've been reading looking at stats and wondering how I got here. I'm grateful for the options I have and I thank God every day for the strength I have, cause there are always obstacles but I always find the tools to tackle them.
As a side note - damn its good not being on any medication. Being hit with bad news is hard but i so notice a difference dealing with these obstacles as ME!

V and i spoke intensely over the next few days. We always knew donor was an option and it always sat in the back of my mind. It now seems its made its way front and centre. V wants me to make the ultimate decision as what we are proposing is a donor egg. Reality is, his biological child not mine. Am i ok with that?

When i visited the orphanages in India i saw so many children and all i could think of is i wish i could take you home with me. One look into their eyes and i was in love.
So why am i having a hard time getting passed this. I know I'll love the baby, no doubt! i know i'll have no issue with what people will think. no doubt! so whats the problem?.
Letting go. These two words have been haunting me Forever!!! from the beginning of this journey....and in my out of 'surrogacy world' this is my lesson. LET GO!.

Let go of how it should be.
Let go of who said what.
Let go of promises.
Let go of people.
Let go of control.
Let go of not carrying my baby
Let go of clinics and Doctors
Just bloody Let go.!

So i did.

A beautiful angel who i am pleased to call my friend said something to me the other day. "you'll know when you have to make that leap of faith"

My head tells me, i have strength to do more cycles, my heart tells me its hurting, my body is telling me no more.

So i jumped...... and what made this leap somewhat easier, was my hubby hold my hand all the way.



NOTE ~ CGH TESTING

DOWNSIDE ~ Unfortunately there is still no 100% success.
Cost involved. it depends where you go. A my clinic in Oz it's $500 per embryos in India it's grouped into 4 and is appox $4000ish
Your forehead has a stamp of ATM. $$$ cause no matter what if you don't fall pregnant with the batch you've just tested there is a very high chance you will do this test again $$$$$ kaching$$$$!
UPSIDE ~You are now adding to your degree in everything fertility. ;)
You now know of another "what if" and no matter what the percentages given...they are still high, and bloody good.

I'm going to add this link even though its dated 2011, it still give a good indication of Age v's CGH http://reprogenetics.com/array-cgh-testing-and-embryo-prognosis/

Doing any type of research is painful and researching clinics is just a nightmare. You'll find websites that look amazing with so much information, but as you read you realise there's really no information at all.
This link is brilliant it suggests some clinics and its broken down all the important stuff you'll need to get your feet moving in the right direction.

http://indiasurrogacy.forumotion.net/login?redirect=%2Fu1