deep breaths.

Hope.
Wikipedia's definition ~
'Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope. Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen".Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation";

I almost lost it. Hope that is. I almost lost it. I found myself saying for the first time I'm tired of this emotional pain. Im embarrassed and exhausted  of failing so often. I'm drained mentally. I miss having a life, and I miss shopping. Afters days of being in a daze from our negative result. I realised that I'm still breathing, I'm functioning around people, I'm able to go to work. I'm able to be around certain people  and pull off a very convincing act that I'm ok. I'm breathing. It's long deep breaths. But I'm breathing. What dose that tell me. That I'm bloody strong. 
I know I'm not the most positive or hopeful person at the moment. And I'm choosing the people I surround myself with very carefully. It's not because friends don't care. But, it's because I'm over it. I'm Sick of herding the same crap coming out of my mouth and sick of hearing the same response from people. 'Have hope', 'Don't give up'. By all means I love every single one of these people who have said that to me. But I'm just numb. And their words are just not having the same affect as they use to.

After weeks off just keeping to myself and staying off and away from anything baby and surrogacy and only completely focusing on my business( which I have mentally neglected for well over a year). After finding out our sixth attempt had failed 4 weeks ago, I wanted to just switch off and distance myself from everything. No baby news, no emails, no questions, no answers, positives or negatives. However, As it just happens (thanks universe) in the last 3 weeks 4 of my friends have announced they are pregnant, and a family member just had a baby too. As happy as I a for them, and believe me I am. The sadness I felt and have been suppressing for weeks kicked in. And inevitable i finally snapped. And the obvious sadness is visible in my eyes now, so trying to avoid eye contact with people. 
Have I mentioned that all I want is a baby?!, but I feel like I'm planning international espionage. Looking at bank balance, Saving, Planning, talking Visas. And Citizenship, sacrificing, researching, more research, and more sacrificing. 
So, With the greatest of smiles i congratulated all these people. 
as its a beautiful celebration of a new life and family that so many people take for granted.

My amazing hubby and i had a little picnic last weekend our topic conversations are mainly about backup plans. Somewhere in between the chicken and my new low fat salted Carmel brownies, our steps for "what if's" evolved.
Let me tell you, its a wonderful feeling to know that the person who you want a family with, thinks, feels, breaths the same ideas as you. There is no compromise in reference to our family our ideas are exactly the same.....cause everything else we are like chalk and cheese...hehehe,  but we always find a happy medium. 
I think that's how we survive this journey, our selflessness for each other the desire to want the other to be happy. 
We each put each other first. That's what makes this work. 
I'm not going to lie.... There have been moments... Ok LOTs of moments where our relationship had more than a few cracks. But we take it back to basics and remember, we love and respect each other. 
So I may have more than one drink at night to get by.
But. I get by.

You know that felling of going to the gym, working out so hard that for the next few days breathing is and even the action of squatting to sit on the loo is painful. But you know that it's the only way that results will happen.
It's that exact feeling.
I clearly can't give up hoping. I'm to excited about the idea of a baby to give up.

Champagne chilling in the fridge...

This post won't take long to write. Our results were negative.
 The 2 Embies that looked perfect did not attach to our beautiful surrogate. So no celebrations, the champagne is still in the fridge the  journey of hope, anger, grieving, frustration still continue. Man!!!!, What a cocktail of emotions. Infact this time I'm so over it I kept a very low key from everyone.
Thankfully the news came while I was redesigning our shop. So I had no choice but to be focused and switched on. At least with the shop I have control.
The one difference I can say is that NOT being pumped full of drugs to produce foilics and NOT being pumped on drugs to support a pregnancy, I'm dealing with this grief as me. And that's a new feeling that I can cope with.
Now......., well now, I've spoken with Meg, & we put backup plans into action.
I don't give up that easily.
 It is what it is. I'm just grateful for Susan Walling who manages to balance me and my emotions and redirect my energies, and grateful to God for giving me the strength to continue.

It's my time.

Getting back to reality after a wonderful emotional and very positive 11days in Bangkok, this week has been a little full on.

First let's start with good news. Whilst we were still in Bangkok, our beautiful donor had her egg collection. I made up a care basket for her of comfort food, cause I know exactly how she would be feeling physically. 
An hour or so after her collection, we were hugging and discussing how hungry she was [ hence care basket :) ] then I asked her if she would like to know if we get a positive pregnancy, she said yes. I then asked if she would like to keep in contact with us, after the pregnancy, she said yes. With a lot of smiles, hugs  [which as a culture they aren't use to] and a lot of kiss' and an enormous amount of gratitude,  we parted hoping to see again  each other in 9months. :D

We decide to hang back that afternoon at the clinic and spend some time with our surrogate who was waiting for her scan with Dr Pisit. In that time we got to chat [ again through a translator ] I asked her how she was feeling and if she was nervous. She was so cool in her answer, "no". "I feel very comfortable with what I'm doing". 
Again, all I could do was hug her. I said, I'm nervous..... Her reply to me was,
" before I came to do this, I went to a temple, where you dress in white and for 5 days mediate......., this is right for me"
Without a doubt I can say, my heart melted. She was perfect in every way.

She asked if it was ok for her to take some photos with us. So we had a little photo shoot, even Dr Pisit jumped in on a few. 
We said our goodbyes, and hope that we see each other in 9 months.
All was on tract with our surrogate, lining was correct, and our donor had 17 eggs collected. 

Things are looking and for the first time ever, feel really good.
I remember saying to V, how much I feel like I'm at home here in Bangkok.
The energy the feeling of comfort you get form walking into your own home after a long day at work. That's the kind of feeling we had while in Bangkok.
We have returned home and we waited for our day 3 embryo results.

Day 3 embryos, 13 matured of the 17. Now that's good numbers! 
Can i Breath a little easier now.....well no, not just yet. You see we still have to get to day 5. thank god DrPisit and I share this same view. Grow an embryo to day 5 blastostis.

Now, growing to a day 5 blastostis stage embryo  means in basic english that the embryos that are not strong, or viable will cease to develop.
There are still no guarantees, however, there is a stronger chance of pregnancy.

So we are in our last week of the "2 week wait" and all that runs through my mind is, the reality.... this may not work. I've already in my head got a back up plan....... But there are 2 sides to a coin. Why shouldn't this work?? I know I have strength to overcome anything that is put in my path, I know exactly how to pick myself up. what to say to myself to dust myself off. What to do to make it through the days that follow. I know, cause I've been and done and I'm still fighting. But I have a new mantra.
This is my time.

Bangkok ~ My fun tips & how not to get sick ;)

Can't sleep so thought I'd write a quick post on
Tips on shopping eating (not getting sick) and a few things to do while in Bangkok.
Sky train is amazing!! This train got us everywhere in no time cause simply it's in the sky!! Hehehe.... and it's seriously cheap. Sure, take a touktouk, they are brilliant and seriously Pimpped out! And totally decked out with funcky leather seats wifi sub stereo and flashing lights, but you need to Barter with them, and same goes for the taxi, even though they have meters, they ask you how much will you pay. 
Best thing to do is ask at the reception of hotel or appartment how much aprox it will cost, at least that gives a guide to amount. Or just Sky train!!

Shopping, the best place for me is Saim Square. There's a shopping mall called Saim Centre and that is connected to the sky train station which is AWESOME! But Siam square is AMAZING! Allow yourself to walk and get lost in the streets that turn into lane ways that turn into arcades that are filled with back to back wall to wall shopping. Shoes, bags, clothes, wallets, belts, jewellery.
Then stop off and eat at the coolest restaurant Somtam, a cool hip restaurant Where we ordered 7 dishes from chicken to a whole fish, Thai style and a whole lot more and paid 695baht about $24 and we over ordered, but everything looked so inviting. Then just a few shops down you'll find a dessert bar. If you are a mango fan. You must MUST try mango tango. Even while I write this I'm drooling. This shop serves nothing but mango. As a pudding, Icecream, sticky rice, fresh, juice, everything mango!!! 2 desserts will cost you about $7.00 

The street food looks amazing, LOOKS. We didn't try it and thats how we didnt get sick. But honestly, that is completely up to you. When you see, you can judge. We did try the BBQ bananas, and the fresh pomegranate juice and they were amazing. What I found interesting is that everything is served in a clear plastic bag, buy fried fish, in a bag, buy chicken in sauce, in a bag, buy a drink, in a bag....with a staw. Everything is in a bag!
If you are game enough you can try the fried cockroach or Scorpions. However  I preferred to pay the 10baht and just take a photo ;) 
To take it up a few levels, and not only in price, but actual levels, check out SkyBar and my Favourite Vertigo. You don't have to eat at either of these places, just sit at the bar and enjoy a view 59 stories high, go just before sunset, and again you will be visually astonished!

If you love a day where you can be surrounded by Buddha then Wat Pho is beautiful. There is a 50m plus reclining golden Buddha (have the right length in a booklet, but it's late and don't want to get out of bed, just know it's VERY LONG  and simply beautiful )

Then check out china town, night is full on, but day is.....still full on. We got a massage there for $6.50 for an hour.

Now my most favorite touristy adventure was the canal boat through china towns little nooks. I can only say, sit back and allow your eyes to feed on a visual amazement.

Phyathai baby homes, is an orphange to 350 beautiful children under the age of 5. V and I spent 2hrs with a group of 25 2-3yr olds, who really not only wanted to play but, all they want....and I mean ALL THEY WANT is to be hugged and held. We had each at one time 8-10 kids on our lap, arms, back, anywhere they could hang off us they did. If you do go, please note these children are in a beautifully kept village, they are well looked after, clothes and food are donated often by from what we saw lots of other beautiful Thai people. They do need toys, preferable educational toys non violent such as guns. But even balloons are a big hit!
You can visit between 2-4. But be warned your heart will break into 25 pieces when you leave. Mine did.

Ps.... Damn the Stupid Australian government for making adoption so bloody impossible. 

Meeting our Donor and Surrogate

I have always said that I will only meet our surrogate once we were given a positive

Result. Let's  face it, in Inda I've had 5 beautiful women be our surrogate and neither of our efforts have developed into a positive pregnancy.

So why would I meet our surrogate and form an emotional attachment that may not turn into anything. In the case of India that would mean my emotions would be 5 time more. And I'm barley keeping my emotions together now!

Also in India you are not given the option of meeting you Egg Donor. So that was not even a thought that entered my already overloaded mind.

But we have been given a new playing card Thialand!!

Bangkok is the bomb!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.  Love the food, the city, the shopping, but even more so LOVE the people. They are kind, polite, cheerful and have a respect for eachother that you see plainly when your just  walking on the streets. V and I love just sitting back and people watching.
But, I've digressed, i do that alot, so I'll leave my love of Thailand for another post. ;)

 Bangkok, and more specially Megan Sainsbury of Surrogacy  Conceptions give you the option of meeting both your  donor and surrogate. Admittedly I was still not really thinking about meeting them. I asked if I could, and I figured well if the universe places this on my path, and it works without chopping changing and well any type of difficulty then sure, fine, and if I change my mind then so be it.
But on the flight over, where I had 10hrs to think, without being interrupted by contractor for redesigning my shop, suppliers, staff, banks, payments, surrogacy bank balance. I just finally focused and realized Id like to meet them. Not just for the sake of meeting them. But because I need to tell, show them, how much I respect them.

Our beautiful donor had Uni in the morning so her appointment was made for the afternoon, so really the only change we had was a small change in time, as V needed to deposit "his stuff"
On the morning of our meeting, I had an urge to give them gifts. Now nothing I could possibly present them would show the amount of gratitude in terms of "gift" as to the gift they are giving us.
I hit the shopping malls, and I found a gorgeous bag, scarf and a Good luck charm for our beautiful surrogate and Dior makeup and nail polish for our equally beautiful donor.
Again nothing seemed enough! But, it would be a good icebreaker if we needed it.
In India it is advised not to give gifts Until after a birth. But I'm not in India :)

While getting ready I felt like I was going on a blind date,  that well neither of us had to love eachother but we were Gunna make a family together........So no pressure LOL.
 Neither of them spoke a word of english, so lucky Kay was with us and translated. 
And I must say, what an amazing experience.

I didn't cry.....at first. They were all smiles and so friendly, then after the initial greetings of all 4 of us together,  I settled, they settled, V was happy just to sit and listen, we laughted at things took photos and then I asked how my surrogate how she was feeling, being a first time surrogate, she said good, but she hopes that she can keep me smiling. And that yes money is good, but her pregnancies were very easy, and liked being pregnant, loves being a mum ( of 3 children mind you, :)  and wants me to have that joy of a baby.
Ok.... que tears, they started and seemed not to stop. I then asked my donor how she was feeling. This isn't her first donation so she knows what to expect. Her tummy was a little swollen the poor love all I could do was hug her. In fact I think I was hugging both of them every few mins.
I had no question prepared to ask them, however like I said, blind date.
I asked about their families, where they grew up, what they do in their spare time.
Then, our beautiful donor asked if she could ask me some questions.
And right there was the moment that I  realised how important it was for IPs to meet their surrogates and or donors. Not Just for us. But for them.
You see my donors very first question to me was why are we doing this.?
While I answered, I was sitting in the middle of both of them, each of them holding my hands, each of them gasping as the translator explained our conditions, each of them squeezing my hands as I replayed my steps to how I got here.
In that moment and from here on in, to them I'm not some Westerner that has come to pay for their services I'm a person who has traveled the world to find them so that they can give me the ultimate gift. My baby.
No words i write here can give meaning or justice to that moment. The connection between the 3 of us is one we will cherish forever.
And I'm forever indebted to my new extended family.
These women are special and I have their names embedded forever in my heart.

Hellllooooo Bangkok. Here we are!!!

Touch down Bangkok!!

Its wet, hot and steamy and fifty shades of grey.............in the sky ;) 

But, How amazingly beautiful this city is. And, i should mention an absolutely beautiful apartment too. 

The apartment we are in is fairly cheap. ( my stands cheap) Much, MUCH cheaper than India. 

When I was booking for Bangkok, I thought, I'm going to princess this trip up, and stay at one of the super flash gorgeous hotels they have here, but then after speaking with people from  surrogacy Australia, it made Sense to find an apartment that we like so that when we come for baby pickup and have to spend 3-4 weeks here we are comfortable with what's in the area. So my list of what I wanted began. Serviced apartment ( cleaning of rooms) laundry service and to do your own if need be, breakfast and pool.  Modern, clean and close to skytrain. My hubby laughed at me and said my list was too long. Hu! Well I found it, Bliston Suwan Park. 

1 bedroom 2 bathrooms, office, kitchen + lounge room, 70m2  with all that I have mentioned and a really good car service if needed, especially when we have baby.

Www.blistonresidence.com 

Today is our first full day in beautiful Bangkok and hubby and are are totally mentally and physically  exhausted  so we decided to take a little walk around the hood see what we have at our feet and I must say. I LOVE EVERYTHING!!! Street food vendors so kind as to offer us a taste before we buy. [ we didn't buy, just incase we get sick, especially just before V has to do his thing :) ] people are friendly, shopping malls at you feet, and I found my new favourite store Dean and Deluca. Carmel macchiato is on the list everyday!! 

So today we are just chilln by the pool, and re energising

Saturday is our fist appointment at All Ivf. I've asked to meet both our donor and surrogate. In all honestly I have never been sure if I wanted to do so. And only made the decision once we landed. I had 10hrs of flying time to think about it. And weigh up all my pros and cons and decided I don't want to live with regrets. This may be my one chance to meet our beautiful donor that we choose and I have no idea what I'm going to say to her. I mean really what do you say to a woman who can give you your dreams????? but, I know that one day if my child asks me about her I want to be able to answer something about the woman that help give them life. 

My struggle is no greater or less than anyone else's.

When i started this blog, i knew that expressing words in a written form would help me, i also knew it was a document for my baby, to know how much they were wanted. And that i would travel the world on foot if i had to, to have them. I knew that somehow at least one of my experiences would help someone.
What i didn't know was that a year later, id still be on this path, on a road that has lead me in a completely different direction. I didn't know how much strength i have, although in saying that, after the last few weeks i have felt an emotional exhaustion and often hard to catch my breath.
When my child is old enough to read this, i want them to know that, every step taken and every challenge given, has made me and my world a better place.( and will be even more better when they are in it ) But im the newer stronger version of what i used to be. The simple fact is, a challenge is a lesson, a lesson is knowledge and knowledge is Power. And even if the challenge has left me feeling broken, in that there was a lesson, where i know i will also gain power.
Sharing is a power. And  on this journey, you need to share. You share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is what makes everyone that i have come across so incredibly  special, So much diversity in one group with the only thing that links us is the incredible desire for a little person in our lives.

A few days ago i was on the phone with a very dear friend, who it saddens me to say is also trying  for a baby.
When i spoke with her, i noticed a sadness in her voice. When i asked her what was wrong, she told me, but felt guilty in doing so because of the struggle that we have had. And she in her words thinks hers is less compared to mine. Not only did that statement shake me, it sadden me.

My struggles are not greater or less than anyone else's. They are just mine.
If I've walked a path where i know there are thorns on the road, i will draw you a map of where to step.
The one thing i can honestly say is not matter where i am, or whatever emotional  state I'm in my heart and ears are always open to people who need them. I've never turned away anyone, from all those who email me and asked for information to especially a friend. The power of one word can make a difference.
 My god, if i can spare anyone of my friends from any emotional and financial heart ache i will.

So this to my friends in blogger land is for all you who may need that little help and don't know where to start looking.Not only for a direction in Surrogacy and donor, but for you mental and physical well being. Cause damn this is not just any ordinary journey.

True fact. When we choose a clinic or doctor, whether it be India or Thailand, our choices are made by what others have experienced,and by the reputation of a clinic and doctor. I am so tired of researching so i surrendered to someone who can help.

Megan Sainsburry started out being my Connection with a clinic in India. She  has since left and now has her own business, called Surrogacy Conceptions. In my opinion, she is truly kind hearted ethical & very knowledgeable Take note. Because if you need an agent, this woman is on the ball.
Not only with stats and data, but she will help take out some of the sting on this path that can drain you, and your relationship (people going through this......you know what i mean)
surrogacyconceptions@gmail.com

I'm a believer in Holistic Health. And kinesiology  is and has played a big part in my life for many years. Honestly what I get from each session has kept me balanced and sociable enough to keep me on the path of a baby and maintain my business.
I won't go into too much detail as to what is done in each session, as everyone will experience something completely different, purely because we each are completely different. 
However, I will tell you this, energy balance is the centre point of kinesiology, and dealing with one or more stress factors and or clearing a negative emotion [ i've had lots of these in the past let me tell you ] To pain relief, this method of improving mental & physical being has been one of my life lines.

Suzanne Lennard ~ www.luminouslife.com.au
Sussane Wailling ~ www.susanwallingkinesiology.com.au

These 2 women have help keep me in the boxing ring, with a smile most of the time :)