Boxing gloves are still on!

It seems that I'm in the boxing ring with the an energy stronger than i am......
My pregnancy test with both surrogate was a negative.
Feel like ive  been punched in the guts. Hard.And... I'm down..... But, not out for the count....

I'm writing this a few days after I've found out the results...as I needed to speak with Dr
As to WHAT THE F%#K is going on.
I'm Angry, I'm Pissed, I'm exhausted and most of all I'm devastated.

I ask you this. How many times can you get punched in the head and gut before you throw in the towel.... I'm up to 14 times.... Can help but think its time to throwing the towel.
I want the pain to stop. But I want a baby too.. Decided to give in to alcohol at the moment. Champagne is in the fridge for great news, so we'll leave that. An amazing  bottle of wine is stored away for special occasion, clearly nothing special here..... so I'm at the moment downing a bottle of scotch. its gross but its doing the job.....Head is light and teeth and face numb, so punch on cause I fell nothing at the moment!

So...Let's look at the stats... This is just based on treatment at SCI. From October we've used 19 embryos and 5 surrogate women, 2 of whom were proven surrogates..and 4 of the embryos were frozen. 
An average fertility clinc here in Australia will tell you to give it 3 chances for them to get a result.
And that using only one embryo per transfer, and if you insist, maybe 2 embryos.
We have used 19 embryos & 5 surrogates, who are meant to be exactly at their prime form for a embryo transfer and healthy.

It's a hard fact to amid that your body is failing what you want to achieve.im asking all sorts of questions now.....again! It seems that i need to start to eliminate the possibility that i produce defected egg. soooooooooooo a PGD is suggested, this looks at specific genetics, BUT.....ive found something better and spoken to people who have done this. its called 24 sure. it checks all the chromosomes  of an embryo which should make up a total of 46 chromosomes, which then means your only left with a healthy embryo. if your left with any. but....still not given 100% success..
OH...and guess what.....you need embryos to do that. What that means....more shitty drugs to be pumped into me.
As you can see im now a doctor, a nurse, a scientist and a lawyer. but without any paperwork. and ive put in more years than these profession actually require...lol

So back up plan is donor egg..... Not sure how to start to get my head around this.... Clearly the word hasn't come to an end, but it took me a very long time to finally except that i will not carry my baby..... now i may have to except that biologically the child i will have may also not be mine... i think im ok with that.
BUT. im not there yet.. just a back up plan.
Cause im Queen of back up plans!

So where im at now is working on how?where to do these test...but its late and im brain dead, probably from alcohol. ;)

 I should say that I'm writing This after a few drinks of crappy scotch . And I'm about to press publish... Hope when I read this tomorrow I don't die all over again. And that auto word correct has kicked in.